The secret behind dating websites

Secrets of the Swamp: stripped

If you want to get with me, meet me behind the computer screen. That seems to be everyone's mantra nowadays.

Dating websites like Match and eHarmony are Internet matchmakers that try to make romantic dreams come to life. Yet these electronic gateways are taking blind dates somewhere you never thought they could go - a whole new level of awkward.

Desperate, confused and running out of pick-up lines, you enlist one of these websites in hopes of finding Mr. Right, Ms. Perfect or Mr. Close-Enough-It'll-Do-I-Only-Pay-$13-a-Month-For-This-Anyway.

You've posted top-notch photos of yourself after forcing them through rigorous Photoshop boot camps. In an attempt to achieve the mystique of Kim Kardashian, the body of Katy Perry and the allure of Angelina Jolie, you now look like a backward Lady Gaga, but you've used enough airbrush on the photo to pull it off. You advise people to squint at the photo anyway.

You're selling yourself on your new love profile, trying to seem as date-worthy as possible. In comes the Internet-aggressive romantic. WARNING: He's allergic to hints and sexually deprived, so he will make things morbidly uncomfortable.

A chat ensues:

Him (posing as a normal human being): "Hey! Saw your photos. Lookin' good, Gaga! ;)"

You (semi-flattered and willing to converse because "Glee" is a rerun this week): "Thanks! Glad you like them. What's going on?"

Oh, no you didn't. I'll tell you what's going on: He's hooked.

Although he seems decent on his profile and doesn't take a shabby photo, you've now entered the "clinger zone." You had no idea it would happen, but in the short-lived IM conversation you've had, he has created an imaginary relationship for the two of you, and in his head you are now held accountable for his intimate happiness.

His walls will come down faster than yours, allowing you to discover that he is not only pushy and boring but has probably never come into any legitimate contact with a female throughout his entire life (including his mother).

What were you thinking when you passed along your number? Now, you're receiving constant mid-day correspondence from your pseudo-spouse who wants to picture message you with a snapshot of his every waking moment, or even with a complimentary check-in on how their genitalia is doing. And when he's not doing that, he's planning your wedding and building a bubblegum shrine modeled after how you look when you sleep.

Moral of the story: Approach Internet dating with caution. Courting through the computer makes things more convenient, but it also provides people with a false sense of bravado. This will make your skin curl with disgust and awkwardness: two emotions these clingers have no concept of.

My advice? Think of these websites as magnifying glasses. They are a way to scan the premises and investigate to see if anything is worth observing. Ultimately, they're a last resort if you really can't find your way.

Really, really can't find your way.

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