It’s been a heck of a week around here. Every Student Government election is stressful for us, but we can never quite get used to having our entire newsroom writing stories, taking photos or shooting video at 1 a.m. on a Thursday morning.
So forgive us if we’re a little groggy as you enjoy the this-is-the-last-thing-we’re-writing-before-we-slip-into-our-three-day-self-induced-comas edition of...Darts & Laurels.
It’s exhausting to be so important.
See, we all know that without our endorsement in Monday’s paper, the Unite Party would have stood no chance in the elections on Tuesday and Wednesday. Who could have seen those results coming?
For wielding such awesome power over campus affairs, we’re crafting a puppeteers-have-nothing-on-the-scumbags-here LAUREL for the Editorial Board. As goes the Alligator, so goes UF.
Our strength is not without its checks, however. We’ve got to hand a we’re-not-sure-where-you-got-your-information-but-you-deserve-to-be-met-with-a-round-of-applause LAUREL to our website commentators who uncovered the SG conspiracy we masterminded.
You’re dead on.
Not only has the office been overrun with a total of one Greek-affiliated employee, but a “racist tool” sports editor certainly also influenced the Board’s endorsement decision enough to be ridiculed.
But you didn’t stop at those shocking discoveries. No, you disclosed our hush-hush agreement with the Unite Party in which they bribed us with — wait for it — three whole copies of their platform complete with those oh-so-valuable staples.
With all the money the party is throwing our way, Monday’s paper will be blank: We’re all quitting and moving to the Bahamas.
All joking aside, at least we’re willing to listen to those who disagree with us. That’s more than we can say for the governor of Wisconsin.
He has refused to talk with his state’s Democrat leaders to reach a compromise on the labor union bill Republicans are advocating. In response, we’re chucking a covering-your-ears-and-screaming-”I-can’t-hear-you”-isn’t-a-viable-political-strategy DART at Gov. Scott Walker.
We don’t like how the Democrats fled the scene, either, but we can’t blame them after hearing about Walker’s intention to trick them. Suggesting the state senate should take a vote during a supposed recess is about as slimy as it gets.
Unless, of course, you’re talking about dictators.
While he has entertained us with his insane speeches, Libya’s head honcho has been sending chills down our spines over the past few days. He vowed to die in the country he has ruled for decades, making us wonder how the Libyan people are coping with this power-hungry maniac.
We’re launching a thanks-for-reminding-us-that-over-the-top-insane-dictators-with-a-penchant-for-genocide-aren’t-confined-to-our-history-books DART at Col. Moammar Gaddafi. On the bright side, eastern Libya is getting a taste of freedom as we speak, convincing us that the rest of the country may follow suit.
That’s all for now.
It’s about time to start the countdown until Spring Break.
