This is it, Gators. You’ve all made it through another semester, and many of you have made it through your very first one. It wasn’t that bad.
But we’re still a bit scared of the outside world, too, which is why we never want to leave our protective safe zone that is Gainesville. But to the many who will be leaving this enchanted swamp of sorts where the temperature dips 60 degrees in the span of six days, we wish you well in “the real world.” And with one final hurrah, we’d like to send you new and graduating Gators off with one final Doesn’t-It-Seem-Like-Y2K-And-Talking-About-Building-Bomb-Shelters-Was-Just-Yesterday edition of Darts & Laurels.
We’ll be doing things a bit differently today, so stay with us for our only-happens-once-a-year semester in review. These past three and a half months provide us with no shortage of discussions.
As if coming from the depths of Hell themselves, it seemed like we couldn’t get bedbugs out of our news, our beds and our minds this semester.
OK, technically the infestation began during the summer, but these pesky, really-do-exist bloodsuckers shut down Abercrombie flagship stores, and they plagued our newspapers with seemingly endless stories about the apparent surge of these critters.
So, for sending us into a tizzy of worry and making us question our safety from parasites while sleeping, we’re throwing a Pesticide-Laden-Stay-Out-Of-Our-Beds-You-Filthy-Animals DART at bedbugs worldwide.
Speaking of things that need pesticide, our midterm elections this semester also didn’t go so well.
We elected a governor who had no prior government experience and whose biggest claim to fame was massive fraud. Florida, again, took the national spotlight when, along with Kentucky, it elected a Tea Party senator.
It seems none of us knew what we were doing when we went to the ballots this November. So, in light of it, we’re throwing a reflective, Please-Just-Let-Us-Make-It-Out-Of-These-Next-Four-Years-Alive DART at our fellow Floridians who voted to elect a fraud for governor.
And while some might call our current governor a fraud to the Republican party for his unsuccessful political party switch, Charlie Crist made an indelible impact with many Floridians this semester.
Ending its one-of-a-kind outright ban on gay couples adopting children in Florida, Gov. Crist closed the door on one of the most deleterious examples of governmental bigotry and forever wiped away the mess that put such a stain on Florida. For realizing there really is no one definition of what makes a family, and for upholding true familial values in Florida by acknowledging families come in all sorts of shapes, we’re gleefully giving a Look-How-Happy-You’ve-Made-The-Thousands-Of-Children-Awaiting-Homes-In-Florida LAUREL to Crist.
But our tanned governor wasn’t the only one to spread joy around the world. Our very own Pope Benedict XVI gave the world something to cheer for when he gave the blessing to use condoms in certain circumstances, mainly to prevent the spread of HIV when having sex with male prostitutes. For recognizing a vast majority of Vatican principles are archaic and looking to adapt them to modern interpretations, we’re sending a We’re-Just-Glad-We’re-Still-Not-Stoning-Women-Or-Anything-Else-It-Says-In-The-Old-Testament LAUREL all the way to the Vatican.
It’s been an interesting year, Gators. But, thankfully, we’ve always had our football team to rely on to keep you going through the wreckage. Oh, wait.
