Just one more week until the South Carolina-Florida showdown.
But we here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column like to take life one day at a time. So that’s why we decided to take a look into this week’s South Carolina-Arkansas matchup.
Like Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier, who yanked starting quarterback Stephen Garcia against Auburn because he was playing stinky, it’s all about the NOW for us.
But it’s still up for debate if South Carolina will take the same approach as its coach. This contest presents the danger of the Gamecocks looking ahead to a potential SEC East Championship game against the Gators.
We left it to alligatorSports’ Mike and Tyler to debate the outcome.
Arkansas (+4) will pull the upset because...
The Razorbacks are just as disciplined as Michael Christopher McCall during no-shave November.
Mike entered a beard competition against friends with more grizzly personalities really just to humor them. We all knew he could grow a decent beard. But compared to his genetically gifted buddies, we expected him to look like a 12-year-old.
Instead, he’s exceeded expectations and has his opponents thinking they underestimated him.
Likewise, Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett entered the season with all the tools to be an All-SEC passer. But he’s not playing for one of the conference’s traditional powers, and we’ve seen plenty of players fail to carry less-talented teams (see: Snead, Jevan).
But Mallett has met expectations, leading the nation’s second-best passing attack and throwing for more yards than anyone else in the SEC. Sure, his golden arm didn’t get the job done in the second half of the Alabama game, but nobody is flawless.
Mike’s razor and shaving cream have betrayed him a few times, too.
— TYLER JETT
The ‘Cocks will smash the (-4) spread because...
Tyler Jett is pulling for the Razorbacks because Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett gives him hope that one day, he too can live a normal life.
Both are freakishly tall, but Mallett’s arm strength saved him from the perils of being a social outcast, a path Tyler has slid down thanks to having no discernible talent outside of being able to stick out like a sore thumb.
Tyler sees a kindred spirit in Mallett, who endured ridicule for having to ride a four-wheeled scooter around campus on one knee in the off-season to protect his injured foot. People point and laugh at Tyler’s mode of transportation too, as he crams his lanky frame into a Camry and drives around looking like the Very Tall Man from the Simpsons.
But Saturday will be a very sad day for Tyler, when he’ll have to watch his hero falter against the mighty Gamecocks.
— MIKE McCALL
Now, on to the picks!
On top for the second straight week with a record of 53-35 is Gatorbait.net’s Keith “I’m perfect” Niebuhr, who went 10-0 in last week’s picks. Just for that we won’t insult you this week. Consider yourself lucky. But that means it will be a double burn the next time around.
Coming in second with a 45-43 record is alligatorSports editor Anthony “I miss the blatant homoeroticism of Miami” Chiang, who became wistful upon viewing an old photo of he and a friend staring at each other as they lathered their own bare upper bodies. There was also a boat involved.
Tied for second is alligatorSports assistant editor Tyler “I just want Cuban food” Jett, who makes a trip to Flaco’s every night just to realize it’s closed. He looks like a sad kid near the holidays staring through the window helplessly. One day you’ll eat a medianoche, buddy. One day.
In fourth with a record of 44-44 is alligatorSports’ Mike “Call me Abe” McCall, who “mistakenly” shaved his facial hair to resemble that of Abraham Lincoln’s as part of an office beard-shaving contest. Halloween was last week, Mike.
Tied for fourth is Kyle “Drunk people are so dumb” Maistri, who instigated an argument over the Gators with a very drunk student. We know you will debate people to the death, but this was one you just couldn’t win. Blame it on the al-al-al-alcohol.
Next, at 42-46, is the Miami Herald’s Joe “Put a can of Skoal next to your pillow and think of me” Goodman, who’s having a rough time on road trips covering the Miami Heat without McCall, his nighttime cuddle buddy.
Coming in seventh with a 41-47 record is The Gainesville Sun’s Edward “Disney characters don’t know anything about higher education, anyway” Aschoff, who got into a heated debate with Tinker Bell about whether FSU was a better school than Florida the night before Halloween, only to have his honor salvaged by a lesbian brawler. All of that is true. Seriously.
And in dead-ass last place (by virtue of the alphabet) with a piss-poor record of 41-47 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “Christmas just got real” Jones, who can’t wait for his favorite time of year. Only 50 more days until you get to shuffle into your parents’ living room in your Atlanta Braves pajamas and see the latest edition of Baseball Prospectus waiting in your stocking, guy!
