We here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column understand this season has been a little underwhelming.
Your beloved Gators started the year rather sluggishly, and the most exciting player (Cam Newton) has allegedly thrown his legacy out the window.
And, as evidence of just how desperate we are, alligatorSports football writers Anthony Chiang and Tyler Jett sunk to the lowest of lows: the Baylor Bears and the Texas A&M Aggies.
Texas A&M (-3) will cover the spread because …
The Aggies will win this game big. I don’t know the Big 12 like my friend Tyler (a Missouri supporter), but I know this: Baylor will lose two more games this season. It’s a forgone conclusion.
Baylor has lost twice this season and the rule states: “The Bears must lose at least four games every year.”
It’s kind of like the rule involving Missouri that reads, “When Mizzou is ranked in the top 10, the Tigers must lose.”
— ANTHONY CHIANG
Baylor (+3) will break “the rule” because...
Please excuse Anthony for all that foolishness. He’s not in his right mind.
He awoke coughing up blood Thursday after getting wrecked during an office flag football game the night before.
But at least you’ve learned not to go over the middle, Anthony, and Texas A&M will learn the same thing this Saturday against Baylor.
The Bears will improve to 5-0 in Waco, Texas, for the first time since their glory days (Liberty Bowl champs!) in 1985. Sic ‘Em!
— TYLER JETT
Now on to the picks!
Still in first with a 55-43 record is GatorBait.net’s Keith “I play for-real football” Niebuhr, who is totally above your childish fantasy leagues. If there is no pain or the promise of postgame sex with cheerleaders, Keith isn’t having it.
Within striking distance in second at 49-49 is alligatorSports assistant editor Tyler “The Snake” Jett, who did his best Jake Plummer impression Wednesday by playing quarterback without cleats and flipping underhanded throws while falling every other play. Just don’t carry on Jake’s legacy in strip clubs.
Orchestrating a third-place threeway at 47-51 is alligatorSports editor Anthony “Anarchy” Chiang, who parked his car in the middle of a lane preventing Nashville police from chasing down a criminal last weekend.
Joining Anthony is alligatorSports’ Mike “I was promised boobs and fire” McCall, who sprinted out the office when informed girls were performing by the parking lot.
In bed with Mike and Anthony is the Miami Herald’s Joe “How come I kept hearing him on the radio if he was behind bars” Goodman, who asked Lil’ Wayne how many New Orleans Hornets games he had been to this season during a one-on-one interview — the day after Weezy F. Baby got out of prison.
In fifth with a 46-52 record is alligatorSports’ Kyle “Can’t stay off the E!” Maistri, who spends his nights watching clips of Chelsea Lately. His justification was even worse: “It all started when I was looking for Justin Bieber interviews.”
Tied with Kyle is The Gainesville Sun’s Edward “At least it wasn’t Mike” Aschoff, who’s still icing his ankles after getting shook on a highlight-reel juke by McCall’s little brother, Corey, while playing flag football Wednesday.
And once again in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 44-54 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “The TV is for TV, the Internet is for Internet stuff” Jones, who struggled to find bootlegged episodes of “Eastbound & Down” this season.
