If you’ve never experienced a feeding frenzy in the savannahs of Africa or in the shark-infested waters that surround the state of Florida, luckily our very own gem in north central Florida can provide you with a similar experience sans zebras.
Perhaps it’s a mixture of cheep beer and a dash of dehydration, but when night falls on University Avenue, the lions come out to play.
The scent of greasy pizza lingers, compelling orange-and-blue-draped intoxicants to scurry and criss-cross traffic looking for their fix.
After a fair amount of drunken pushing and shoving, pizza is acquired and a natural hunger forces these walking bottles of liquor to transform into ravenous animals as they devour their pizza with the same appetite that a lion has for a gazelle.
Watching this occur in front of me this week instead of inside my television set was surreal. I couldn’t help but wonder: What happened to self-respect?
I kept telling myself as I watched the maudlin model Gator with melted cheese affixed to her face that maybe she just forgot her respect — maybe she left the house without it.
But alas, no.
Self-respect was as dead as a door nail.
In fact, as I looked back into the night I realized some of these people were all hot messes.
This isn’t to say I haven’t been the main course for someone else’s musings on the death of dignity. We’ve all had our more animalistic moments.
Everything from Gainesvillians’ behavior to their attire seems recently excessive and unnecessary.
Like the swan who chose a Tuesday night to wear a ball gown to a bar. Seriously?
Or the angry-looking tiger in shorts and a T- shirt in 30-degree weather.
And of course, Gainesville wouldn’t be complete without its signature I-just-left-the-library-with-my-sweats-a-T-shirt-and-a-Ticonderoga-pencil-holding-your-hair-and-life-together-as-you-drink-alone-in-a-corner hermit.
If you look miserable in what you’re wearing, you probably are. And let’s be honest, you’re destroying the feeding frenzy environment for everyone else with your Debbie Downer mantra.
Also, aside from any talks of savannahs, here’s a bit of advice for the common Gainesville species.
And or those fancy ladies on the prowl: Don’t be excessively dressed to get drunk and puke all over yourself.
Leave your gowns and crystal shoes at home.
To the angry bear: Dress accordingly to the weather. I understand your frat-tastic fraternity’s uniform is the classic shorts, polo and flip-flops, but that doesn’t mean it will protect you from frostbite.
Lastly, for the hermit crab library dweller: Just because your exams make you live in the library, it doesn’t mean you have to look like a library, so leave your books, pencils and sweater cape in the car.
Also, eating that fourth slice of pizza wont help. Trust me. Watching our model citizen wipe grease off her face was not fun for anyone.
Spending the night bar hopping through Gainesville is truly the closest I’ll ever get to a Humvee ride through Tanzania.
Hassan Casanova is a third-year family, youth and community science student at Santa Fe College. His column appears every Friday.
