Now that whining politicians and journalists have bravely taken a stand against the malt energy phenomenon known as Four Loko, maybe they can now turn their sights to another powerful combination that can be hazardous to those who imbibe it in too-large doses.
Freedom.
The brainchild of three students at Ohio State University and proudly brewed in Chicago, Four Loko is as indisputably American as apple pie made in China from Chilean apples and sold at Walmart.
Similar to how the Champagne region of France is known for its signature bubbly brew, the American Midwest can be proud to have incubated the careful crafting of malt liquor and caffeine that has sparked a national outrage against free choice.
Sold for the past few years with little public fanfare in corner stores all across our great cities, Four Loko is now being persecuted by powerful interests after a series of unfortunate events on lily-white college campuses.
Freaking out about Four Loko is the most popular thing to do in America at the moment, and banning this beverage is one of the few things that lame-duck legislatures nationwide will accomplish this calendar year.
Advertisements celebrating the right to freely imbibe alcoholic beverages drive a good portion of our economy, and much of the remaining economy is propped up by the construction of new Starbucks locations.
While the free market clearly shows a need for a beverage that fuels an alcoholic alertness, Four Loko is evil because a few college-age kids somehow displayed poor judgment and engaged in reckless behavior.
The national outcry against Four Loko is the best advertising imaginable, but the makers of the drink have bowed to the pressure and announced the other day that the drink will now be made with no caffeine or stimulants.
There were eight flavors of freedom brewed under the Four Loko banner up until that fateful announcement, but even the responsible among us get swept up by hysteria when an easy political target presents itself before frightened politicians in a lame-duck shooting session.
Left with no other choice but to go on the road to chase the elusive mistress known as personal liberty in a mad dash for the remaining supply of original blend Four Loko, young people across the country will soon be embarking on a Grape-flavoreds of Wrath exodus to where freedom remains divine.
Like a modern-day Tom Joad in boat shoes, maybe one enterprising bro can inspire the next great American novel based on his ill-fated journey out west chasing the dream of opportunity that tastes like Jolly Ranchers made by Satan.
Be forewarned, all you forlorn Four Loko freedom riders seeking the intoxicating and invigorating elixir — the federal government has already begun to swing the ax on a full-scale Four Loko ban nationwide.
But I heard a feller say there’s still some freedom in a can left to be had out Californy way.
Tommy Maple is an international communications graduate student. His columns appear Tuesdays.
