What’s the fastest way to piss off alligatorSports readers?
Blaspheme against Tim Tebow? Call for the firing of Billy Donovan and Urban Meyer? Or maybe openly pick another SEC team to win the conference?
We’re not going to do any of those things here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column, but we are going to debate the one game in which there truly are no winners in the eyes of the average Gators fan.
FSU against Miami.
This once-proud rivalry game hasn’t mattered for the better part of the last decade, but the ‘Noles and ‘Canes are ranked in the top 25 and considered two of the favorites in a watered-down ACC.
This game could go a long way in determining which team will come away with a BCS bid at the end of the year.
We’ll keep the intro short and sweet this week while praying for your understanding.
Miami (-6) will cover the spread because …
Tyler is tougher on the road than the Seminoles.
Seriously, the kid routinely craps all over our music choices and automatically gets the front seat because his 6-foot-infinity frame is too tall to fold into the backseat.
Tyler Jett is a walking mismatch. The Seminoles are not.
I can’t get FSU’s 47-17 meltdown against Oklahoma in Norman out of my head, and it’s the main reason I can’t pick them to win this game.
So I’m going to go ahead and pick Jacory Harris (so will FSU’s defensive backs) to lead UM to a hard-fought home victory.
-- KYLE MAISTRI
Florida State (+6) will at least keep it close because …
Jacory Harris is about as good a quarterback as Kyle Maistri. For those who read Kyle’s column this week, you may see that as a positive. He did boast of leading multiple intramural teams on playoff runs, after all.
Don’t get it twisted. Both field generals are 100-percent pure athlete. But both also have their vices. Kyle loves to roll — both out of the pocket and into holes, where he in turn rolls his ankle. And Jacory loves to play the position like it’s a game of darts. Fifty-yard touchdown! Interception! Thirty-yard run! Interception! Fumble! Interception! Interception!
Expect the Seminoles defense to feast on Jacory like Kyle feasts on Dreamland Barbecue: that is, with sauce all over their faces and slobber all over their friends.
-- TYLER JETT
Now on to the picks!
Still somehow in first place with a 28-20 record is alligatorSports Assistant Editor Tyler “I do not care for this lukewarm hamburger, Destiny” Jett, who traveled to Café Risque on a restaurant-review assignment Monday. He entered an immature food critic, he walked out a man. A man with a thinner wallet, but a man nonetheless.
Coming in second with a 27-21 record is GatorBait.net’s Keith “Seriously, kids, get off my lawn” Niebuhr, who couldn’t understand why some of us younger writers would want to toss a football around while waiting to do interviews. We get it, Keith, you’re old and joyless. Don’t ruin it for the rest of us.
In a tie for third-place mediocrity with a 26-22 record is Alligator football writer Mike “Alabama man” McCall, who wouldn’t stop talking about the “white man’s paradise” in Tuscaloosa. Southern Belles and barbecue is all Mike needs. Diversity and tolerance, not so much.
Tied with Mike is The Gainesville Sun’s Edward “Meat Market” Aschoff, whose eyes rolled into the back of his head and toes curled up while he told any member of the media who would listen about his dream recruiting commitment act. It involves lots of sweaty teenage muscles and not a lot of clothes.
In fifth place with a 25-23 record is Kyle “I like little girls” Maistri, whose description of his “type” during last weekend’s road trip caused the rest of the writers to access the government’s registered sex offenders website on their smartphones. He meant “short,” which is even more troubling considering he is a journalist. Buy a thesaurus, kid.
In sixth place with a not-to-hot, not-to-cold, just-right record of 24-24 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “I‘m not here to hate on technology” Jones, who loves “Eastbound and Down” but doesn’t have the means (HBO) to watch it. When a few of us offered to wait for him to watch our DVR-ed episode, he rewarded our kindness by downloading it and watching without us. Someone should have told him Big Boobs April isn’t in this season. You don’t have to be careful about getting “excited” in front of other people, Cody.
In seventh place with a 22-26 record is alligatorSports Editor Anthony “I promise I wasn’t applying for a Sean John modeling gig” Chiang, who failed to delete his high school “dangerous on the outside, sweet on the inside” pictures from his Facebook profile. Head tilted to the side. Eyes narrowed. Lips pursed. You had it down perfect, Anthony.
And in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 21-27 is the Miami Herald’s Joe “No PGP! ”Goodman, who recently told us a tale of his southern Bar-Mitzvah. His freshmen baseball coach threw an end-of-the-year party for his team that included a keg, liquor and two strippers. We can only hope some kind soul does the same for your sons, Joe.
