The Red River Shootout has lost its luster, but that doesn’t matter to us here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column.
Despite the loss of Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford we are intrigued by this matchup and don’t ask us why. With Texas coming off of a loss to UCLA, we just couldn’t pass this one up — who could? It’s pretty exciting when a Longhorns team loses by 22 points even though they held the opposition to 27 passing yards. Now that’s impressive.
On the other hand, Oklahoma is ranked in the top 10 and has yet to lose. Bradford’s replacement has already thrown for 1,221 yards this season. This beats McCoy version 2.0, Garrett Gilbert, who hasn’t surpassed 900 yards yet.
To give you some more numbers, the two teams have split the last eight matchups. We are probably overselling the game at this point.
Besides, it isn’t like there are sexier matchups Saturday. Unless we are forgetting one?
Anyway, all of these numbers have us confused, so we left it to two alligatorSports writers to debate the game.
Oklahoma (-4) will cover because:
The Sooners have confused some people by playing down to their competition. But, really, Oklahoma is just toying with bad teams because they love drama, just like Anthony Chiang.
While most people use their Facebook statuses to quote funny movies or hardcore rappers, Anthony is all about expressing his deepest pains: “Sometimes things need to be sacrificed in the present in order to reap the benefits in the future,” “There will be an answer, let it be” and, of course, “Ready for another football Saturday.”
When talking about Oklahoma quarterback Landry Jones in the preseason, Mr. Drama responded the only way he knew how: intense hatred. But that was only because he couldn’t relate to the level-headed Jones. With his cool composure, Jones has led the No. 10 passing attack in the country.
And get ready, because the Sooners quarterback is going to stomp on the throats of every Longhorn the way Chiang stomps on rivals of his gang, the “Bone Thug Bosses.”
— TYLER JETT
Texas will stay within at least a field goal because:
You don’t mess with Texas, Tyler Jett. There is no way the Longhorns don’t cover in this game. Texas isn’t the only squad that had a minor hiccup along the way, Oklahoma saw a scare last week and pulled out a two-point win against Cincy.
The fact that it’s a rivalry game will keep it a close contest and Mack Brown is not going to lose two in a row. But forgive Tyler, he has a man crush on Landry Jones. He is still heartbroken over Jones’ decision to shave of that mustache of his. Tyler likes those.
— ANTHONY CHIANG
Now on to the picks!
Alone in first with a 25-13 record is alligatorSports Assistant Editor Tyler “I just get caught up” Jett, who gets so caught up in his writing that he forgets to show up to prior commitments. And by commitments, I mean anything except listening to 50 Tyson.
Coming in second with a 22-16 record is Alligator football writer Mike “I have a vagina on my knee” McCall, whose upper shin now features a deep, gaping hole. When we said, “Grow a pair,” we didn’t mean it like that, Mike.
In a three-way tie for third with a 21-17 record is The Gainesville Sun’s Edward “I’m simply the best when it comes to surprises and gifting” Aschoff, whose only skill greater than lavishing his girlfriend on terrific lady day is telling everyone else how awesome he is at lavishing his girlfriend on terrific lady day. Stop raising the bar at letting everyone know you raised the bar, Edward.
Alongside Edward is Alligator football writer Kyle “Now I know what Mark Ingram feels like against defensive backs” Maistri, whose car collided with a poor, innocent bike rider last week. We know, it was his fault. (“It was dark! Why wasn’t he wearing a fluorescent shirt?”) But you didn’t need to stand over him, letting him know who runs NE 5th Street.
Also in third is Keith “That’s what you get when you wait until the last minute to study” Neibuhr, who accosted one of the student journalists for not properly respecting his academic endeavors. The word “student” comes before “journalist.” We get it, dad.
In a pillow fight for sixth with a 19-19 record is alligatorSports Editor Anthony “That’s way too American for me” Chiang, who is apprehensive about our road trip to ‘Bama due to his intense hatred of barbecue. Well, kiss your North Cuban Castro Cuisine goodbye, Chiang, and say hello to ribs, banana pudding and white bread.
Tied with Chiang is FightinGators.com’s Cody “Which character from ‘The League’ am I going to turn out like?” Jones, who spends about five hours a week coaching one of five fantasy football teams. You seem like a Taco to us, Cody. We can totally see you performing a song about accidental conception in front of a group of young children.
And in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 18-20 is the Miami Herald’s Joe “Sweet home Alabama” Goodman, who is heading back to his native land, where they respect people with big belt buckles and the smell of hot dog water is always in the air. We heard the state will be busting out its finest fire hoses for your glorious return, Joe.
