Was it Green Day who said “wake me up when September ends”?
Well, that time is now. It’s already October. Many of you have already survived your first full month of college life complete with your first harrowing supermajority SG slaughter and first breakdown after you get your first 16 percent exam grade. Seriously. Sixteen. We’ve seen it happen. The first month is hard.
And for the rest of us to whom September is just another month of imbibing our way through our feelings and endless papers and exams, here’s to hoping your parents still care about you and remember you enough to still send you a care package!
And if not, don’t fret. The Department of Darts and Laurels will be here to comfort you every Friday, and today just happens to be that day.
In that spirit, we’d like to present you with our Just-Keep-Trucking-There’s-Only-68-More-Days-Until-The-End-Of-The-Semester-And-The-Academic-Carnage-Will-Be-Put-To-An-End…-Before-Finals edition of Darts & Laurels
And if you ever doubted our power as we sit high atop our broken, faulty, squeaky newsroom chairs, just look at the weather. Just look at it.
The lows are creeping down faster than Miley’s hemline at a Teen Choice Awards show.
October is bringing with it temperatures that dip into the 50s by Monday.
The days of 90-degree weather and a marshy bog of armpit sweat are past us.
And you can thank us later.
Not even Mother Nature can avoid our omniscient power. After we threw that lady a big ole dart last week for being too hot and heavy, she obviously couldn’t take the heat, and realized we were right.
So, weather gods and fancy, think-you-know-everything meteorologists, we’re throwing you a Never-Underestimate-The-Power-Of-A-Dart-To-Change-The-Course-Of-History LAUREL for kicking Heat Miser out of office for now.
And there’s one other guy we’d like to throw out of office. In the land of armadillos, cowboy hats and tumbleweeds lives a man named Texas Gov. Rick Perry.
This guy has been reported to jog with a loaded pistol at his hip. He governs the state that executes the most people, and he’s a living, breathing poster child for the GOP.
And after a man at the University of Texas campus Tuesday shot himself in the library, maybe it’s time Second Amendment supporters like Perry realize the right to bear arms doesn’t necessarily mean in schools or in churches.
Because when gun advocates say the way to make the UT campus safer is for more people to have guns, we fear for our country. Or want Texas to secede.
So Gov. Rick Perry, for not doing anything to make your state and colleges safer from those who choose to use the guns they legally have, we’re shooting a .22-caliber, He-Who-Lives-By-The-Sword-Shall-Die-By-The-Sword DART at you.
Completely unrelated, scientists think they’ve found a “Goldilocks” planet where the temperature allows for a “100 percent chance for life.” Hey, aliens, we’re coming in peace and giving you a We-Already-Knew-You-Were-Here-In-Roswell LAUREL to you. And just the opposite of what we said last week: Gators, now is the time to break out the scarves.
