Dear Jared,
This is hard to say, but I think I have a small penis. Is this something I should be worried about? I just started dating someone new, and I can’t really tell if she’s turned off by the goods.
Sincerely,
Little Problems
I think the best way to answer this ultimate question that plagues society’s mind — and plays inside the pants of many member-minded men — is to look at it metaphorically.
Most people like dicks (we know women outnumber men in terms of population — and that doesn’t even include the fellas who like other fellas). And most people like noodles. I think we can safely agree on that.
And when we’re talking about a particular create-your-own pasta dish at Romano’s Macaroni Grill, the way you twirl your fork matters just as much as the size of the noodle.
And when we’re talking noodles here, many penis pros can agree they’d much rather dig into a bowl of manicotti than a short, thin serving of fettuccine.
Can I get a “no-angel-hair-for-me-whoop-whoop” in the house, ladies? Am I right?
Because God forbid you get served a helping of rotini.
Look it up if you’re not familiar. And be thankful this is only a metaphor.
Allow me to let you in on the biggest pseudo-secret our phallic-fantasized culture has to offer: No matter who says what, size really does matter.
And whenever anyone, blushing or adamantly opposed to believing in such superficial things, tells you otherwise, they’re lying. And they know it, too.
I’m not saying that makes your girlfriend the tyrannous Size Queen of her own unruly subjects between your legs, but she has definitely thought about it.
And I’m most definitely saying she’s talked about the punch you’re lacking below the belt to her girlfriends over nonfat soy lattes and scones.
Think of it this way: It’s very similar to asking the question of whether or not looks matter when dating someone, which is the most ridiculous question anyone could ever ask.
Of course looks matter. You, nor any Billy, Tom, Susie or I would care to do a double take for a half-ton, camouflage-wearing, whistles-with-a-twang-through-the-huge-decaying-gap-in-her-teeth stranger passing by with a super personality.
Because when it comes down to it, personality means as much as tits to a nun if you don’t have a little something to elicit that charming humor or quick wit.
The same goes for your situation. Size matters. But just like any pasta dish can be spruced with a little basil and oregano, how you serve your noodle is half the job.
Make up for your member in other ways, starting way before you even take your mini-me out for a spin. Foreplay can go a long way if you’re looking for a distraction.
And hey, luckily for you, your girlfriend clearly liked something about you before she ventured down below, and she’s not likely to forget that something special just because you’re packing a Tootsie Roll rather than a Four Loko.
And this is where your personality becomes even more important.
If you continue to exude this insecure penis persona, your performance will suffer. If you realize your girlfriend probably cares more about how much you make her laugh and how cute your smile is than what type of noodle she’s served, you’ll probably get a much better review when she talks about it at her weekly mani-pedi session with the girls.
So give her something to talk about.
Have a sexy question you need answered? E-mail our resident sexpert at Jmisner@alligator.org. If your answer is selected to appear in print or online, your identity will remain anonymous.
