Today’s edition of the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column is brought to you by the number 30!
There are just so many things to love about the big 3-0. The number has some sort of significance in the Bible, we’ve been told. And, more important, it’s how many tracks are on “The White Album.”
That’s a CD by The Beatles, a group that you hopefully have not confused with another equally prolific band fronted by Russell Crowe: 30 Odd Foots of Grunts.
In sports, Michael Jordan decided to play for the Birmingham Barons at 30 years old. Hall of Fame first baseman Orlando Cepeda wore No. 30 during his 16-year career.
Although he is more famous for a number four digits higher, Nolan Ryan wore 30 for the Angels. And for the few of you who watch hockey: yes, we are aware the number can be found on the back of Devils goalie Martin Brodeur.
Thirty is also the number of uprights at Stonehenge, the length of The Thirty Year’s War and the atomic number for zinc. American social activist Jerry Rubin once warned, “Don’t trust anyone over 30.”
On a related note, the minimum age for a U.S. senator is 30.
Oh, and it’s the number of football players who have been arrested since Urban Meyer took over. The Dirty 30.
Speaking of dirty, FSU (-10) will cover the spread because this weekend because:
First it’s the Miami Heat’s Big Three and now it’s FSU.
When is it going to stop Tyler? Your knack for hating on things is really sad. It pains me to see you like this.
After the Sooners whipped the Seminoles last week, do you honestly think that BYU is going to come into Tally and even come close to making it a game against FSU?
I know you haven’t lived in Florida your whole life, but schools from this state are a little better than schools from Utah. Just look at last season’s matchup between the two teams when the Seminoles won 58-24.
You should understand history pretty well. After all, you are enrolled in a class called “The Early Republic” — whatever that means.
-- ANTHONY CHIANG
The stormin’ Mormons of BYU (+10) will lay a Joseph-Smith style beating because:
Anthony Chiang’s mind is not right, something even he will readily admit. Here’s some context: between spending his nights in the office and his days in the classroom, Chiang is limited to four hours of sleep each night. While researching someone on Google, he simply typed in “Keith.”
And when he was asked to write an article Thursday night, he begged for mercy, explaining he could not string thoughts, much less sentences, together.
And now he forgets where he grew up. He picked against the ‘Canes last week, and now he’s cheering for the ‘Noles. What would big-daddy Guillermo say?
Chiang is a mess. But to really understand his mental state, you have to realize this is a man who thought it would be OK to adopt the nickname “Slater” because his initials line up with the first name of his favorite “Saved by the Bell” character.
Chiang’s wrestling technique is a little suspect, but he’s at least got the dancing skills after all those salsa lessons.
-- TYLER JETT
Now on to the picks!
At the top of the leaderboard with a record of 13-6 is alligatorSports Assistant Editor Tyler “If I lived behind Chipotle I would go crazy” Jett, who started panting with excitement after realizing there were apartments behind the Chipotle on University Ave. As a 6-foot-5 white male with blond hair, he is the farthest thing from being Mexican. But that doesn’t stop him from ordering those burrito bowls.
Tied for first is the Gainesville Sun’s Edward “That guy’s hot, that guy’s not, no homo” Aschoff, whose recent assignment from the Sun sparks curiosity about his life choices. He has a girlfriend, but he’s spending way more time scrolling through SEC photo galleries. We get it. It’s your job to gaze into Ryan Mallett’s eyes. Whatever, Edward.
Leading a three-man weave in third with an 11-8 record is Alligator football writer Kyle “If she’s not giving me what I want, I could see myself accidentally stepping over the line” Maistri, who identified with Chris Rainey’s recent problems. You guys are good people, just misunderstood. But, ladies, you should probably call the cops if Kyle texts you after midnight.
Also in third is Alligator football writer Mike “Oh wait, I’ve been there” McCall, who initially struggled on his “Guide to Seattle” presentation in speech class before remembering he spent the whole summer covering the Mariners. “And that photo, right there, is my... Oh! My old apartment. Sorry.”
And completing that weave is Gatorbait.net’s Keith “Don’t tell me info I can’t fit in 140 characters” Niebuhr, who may quit his job to work independently for Keith Niebuhr’s Twitter account. Follow him @igetscoops4days. Needless to say, he’s natural enemies with defensive coordinator Teryl Austin, who called social networking “dumb.”
Starting a second three-way tie in sixth with a record of 10-9 is the Miami Herald’s Joe “I keep my eye on you” Goodman, who freaked Urban out with questions about his sideline behavior last week. Meyer’s response: “I appreciate you watching me. That’s kind of weird, to be honest with you.”
Also in sixth is alligatorSports Editor Anthony “May I please have some chocolate milk” Chiang, whose quiet voice, paired with a childlike request, made members of his staff think they adopted an orphan. That fear grew when copies of “The Giving Tree” and “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” sprouted up in the office.
And tied for sixth (but, really, in dead-ass last place) with an OK (but, really, piss-poor) record of 10-9 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “SEC Play” Jones, whose love for college sports in the Bible belt has turned him into a one-dimensional interviewer. Talking to a freshman? So how excited are you about SEC play starting? Talking to a senior? What have you told the freshmen about SEC play?
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