We hate to bring it up, but we have to.
Discussion of an ex is rarely pulled off without some awkwardness, and we at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column understand this as well as anyone.
But we’re a slave to the picks, and this week they say we have to dig around in the Gators’ little black book and talk about two of your exes: Steve Spurrier and Cam Newton.
Spurrier and his band of Gamecocks may finally be poised to challenge Florida in the Southeastern Conference East Division, and how No. 12 South Carolina fares at No. 17 Auburn this weekend will be a good indicator of whether these ’Cocks can rise to the challenge rather than lay down and play dead.
Newton was once a hopeful successor to Tim Tebow, but off-field problems and on-field competition with John Brantley led to a transfer, and now he plies his trade in different shades of orange and blue with the Tigers.
Newton has been slinging the ball around like it’s a stolen laptop and running like, well, the police are chasing him with questions about a stolen laptop.
It’s a matchup that tugs at a UF fan’s heartstrings: Can the Florida legend make good at a lesser program, or will Newton defend his former team’s SEC East honor?
We left it up to a couple of alligatorSports columnists to squabble over the game.
Auburn (-3) will cover the spread at home because:
Auburn quarterback Cameron Newton will steal your cookies and your laptop, Kyle.
Your decision to take Steve Spurrier and Stephen Garcia against the Tigers at home is the worst thing to happen to you since that flat you got on the way to Knoxville last weekend.
Newton is playing well and has already run for 309 yards this season, while passing for another 525 yards. His versatility will win this game for Auburn.
There are “no ceilings” on the Tigers’ potential, something Kyle should be familiar with. After all, that is the title of his favorite mixtape.
— ANTHONY CHIANG
South Carolina (+3) is the real deal and will cover the spread because:
Anthony Chiang and anyone else who would pick against the Gamecocks after the tragic death of Kenny McKinley is heartless.
Do I think South Carolina is legitimately going to win? Absolutely. But more importantly, that team deserves our support after losing a member of their extended family.
It makes me sick just thinking about Chiang sitting in front of his TV, cheering on Auburn and taking joy in the suffering of others. Quite frankly, it’s un-American. We need to rally around South Carolina at a time like this.
On Saturday, we are all Gamecocks. Except for Chiang, of course. He has no game, so I guess that just makes him a ...
— KYLE MAISTRI
Now on to the picks!
In first place with an 18-10 record is The Gainesville Sun’s Edward “Stay Alive. Don’t Text and Drive!” Aschoff, who will do anything Dexter McCluster tells him. So when he’s on the road, he won’t LOL. Nah, he’ll keep both hands on the wheel. This is not a game, and not really a test, Edward, cuz in the blink of an eye it can be your last breath.
Tied for first is alligatorSportsAssistant Editor Tyler “I bring my own bed” Jett, who refused to step within five feet of the rest of the sports staff after midnight last weekend when we all shared a hotel room in Knoxville, Tenn. Instead he brought his own setup. He might as well have put up caution tape around his sleeping spot.
Coming in at third with a 17-11 record is Alligator football writer Kyle “Super-SUPER Star” Maistri, who doesn’t care about the actual rap in his rap music. For Kyle, it’s all about the shout outs like “The Empire,” “No Ceilings!” and “It’s Mr. Thanksgiving!”
Also in second is Gatorbait.net’s Keith “You young boys better please me” Niebuhr, who punished the University of Pittsburgh football players by putting them on “Niebuhr probation” after they crapped the bed against Miami on Thursday night. As for John Brantley, Keith has put you on notice, sir.
In fifth with a record of 16-12 is the Miami Herald’s Joe “I want to be taken seriously, but not THAT seriously” Goodman, whose power suit was complimented by a pair of Chuck Taylors at last weekend’s game. That’s the clothes-equivalent of a mullet, Joe. Business from the ankles-up, party on the feet.
Coming in at sixth with a 15-13 record is alligatorSports Editor Anthony “Blood” Chiang, who was once asked in high school if he would be “down to gangbang” after listening to “Back Then” by Mike Jones on his cell phone while rocking a bandana to a Miami-area bowling alley.
And in one half of a tie for dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 14-14 is Alligator football writer Mike “I just don’t want any splash back” McCall, whose sex-related inquiries were far too advanced for the rest of the staff. Save those questions for when you get backstage passes to an R. Kelly concert, bro.
And it wouldn’t be a picks column without Mr. “Dead-ass last place” himself, FightinGators.com’s Cody “Wait, there’s a Taco Bell AND a McDonald’s?” Jones, whose initial disappointment about staying in Sweetwater, Tenn., last weekend subsided when he realized the city provided him with two ways to raise his cholesterol.
