Facebook full of facades and lies

While drunkenly watching “Closer,” I vaguely remember Natalie Portman saying, “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it’s better if you do.” And it made me think: Could I pull off a pink wig?

After drinking a few glasses of wine and sadly realizing pink hair and olive skin was a horrible idea, I thought back to that scene with Portman.

Was she right? Do people enjoy lying? But, most importantly, would it be more enjoyable if clothing was removed?

So to answer my question, I did what any other college student does — I procrastinated by logging into Facebook first.

I found myself face-creeping through people’s pictures, notes, statuses and relationships. Now before we get ahead of ourselves, let me just say I wasn’t creeping to be a creep. I was creeping because I cared and because I had a column to write.

My Facebook journey taught me that of my 500 friends two are pregnant, 18 are attending the Neon Liger Dance Party, one had his Facebook hijacked so his status read “I like penis,”one’s cat had jumped into a toilet, three were coming into town for the University of South Florida game, five were already complaining about school and all of them were liars.

Maybe I was taking Facebook too seriously or maybe I was onto something, but either way I had an epiphany.

When it comes to social networking, we all lie.

Our pictures, bios and statuses are all used to accessorize our cyber facade.

Sure, some of my friends came across as alcoholics and some came across like prostitutes and, yes, some actually are. But others appeared to be such happy individuals that they had neither worries nor problems.

I couldn’t help but wonder: Is it normal to be this happy, or am I a pessimist for thinking this world isn’t as happy as it seems?

So I found the person that seemed the happiest on my newsfeed and just asked: Why are you always so happy?

Before this person got a chance to answer, I assumed his response would be inner peace or a pet unicorn. His answer, however, was a simple one.

Antidepressants.

He was obviously lying (I think), but he did admit to one interesting tidbit.

People on Facebook don’t want to hear you talk about your mediocre day. So people embellish their emotions. We all do it.

The smiles become bigger, the jokes funnier, the sluttiness sluttier. We become who we think people want us to be.

People lie about their age, others Photoshop their imperfections, some create profiles just to stalk an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Facebook is where people go to lie.

My final testament was my own Facebook. My most recent status reads, “I hate getting accidentally drunk,” which is seriously a lie. I drink to get drunk just like any other college student, and my Facebook is filled with embarrassing pictures to prove it.

So if it wasn’t for Rhianna and Eminem, we wouldn’t even know it was acceptable to love the way we lie, and we all do at one point or another.

Keeping that in mind, I decided it’s probably best to dye my hair pink and join the local strip club. As Portman said, lying is the most fun I can have without taking my clothes off, but it’s better if I get paid while doing so.