Dear Jared,
I work at a local food chain and everything is going great, but there’s just one problem: My boss and I are falling for each other. To make matters worse, he is double my age and has a child. I want him, but I’m afraid of the social and occupational ramifications. What should I do?
-Young and in Love
Oh, the blights of two modern star-crossed lovers. Substitute a narcotic for an illegitimate child and a romantic Verona for equally lustful Gainesville, and we have ourselves our very own tale brewing worthy of a Sassy Gay Friend’s intervention.
Assuming your surname is, in fact, not Capulet or Montague, you’re in good hands here. Just call me Allstate.
First, who said falling for your boss is a bad thing? Aside from the fact you’ll probably get first dibs on who gets Friday nights off and won’t get stuck rolling silverware until the end of eternity – because you’ll be too busy bracing yourself up against the sneeze guard – you might even get an Employee of the Month certificate. Who can turn down new fridge décor?
Essentially, you have quite the benefit package to gain.
And as for that whole professional relationship, moral-shmoral dilemma -- are we really going to discuss this? I’m assuming your “local food chain” doesn’t mean “Raymond James financiers” and your “boss” doesn’t mean your “law school professor.”
I’m assuming we’re talking more along the lines of your boss is a 36-year-old assistant manager at the local Pizza Hut with a case of adult acne and an affinity for Stouffer’s TV dinners.
I doubt you’ll gather 35 years of seniority at this place, collecting more pieces of flair on your vest than a redhead has freckles, so the talk of job security is about as worthy as Michael Vick’s chances of winning the Eukanuba Dog Show.
Now that we’ve talked about the amount of care you should put in your assumed short-term job (minimal if the chance of after-hours Hut sex and free pizza is high), let’s open up this other can of worms.
Double your age? It’s hard to answer this without knowing your age. Assuming you aren’t a fourth grader dating a college junior and assuming your boss is probably mid-to-late 30s, age is just a number, baby.
Assuming this is all legal fun for everyone, and no statutory rape action is going down, what’s the hold up? Move your Pizza Hut line along, and let this grandpa gather ‘round your good stuff.
What kind of social ramifications are we talking about here? Are you worried his child will call you “that person who always leaves barefoot from our house”? Are you anxious of being known as The Hut Whore? Or are we concerned with becoming the next Douglas/Zeta-Jones fiasco?
If you feel in your heart that this is genuine, and you have a chance for love, don’t take that lightly. Society’s opinions mean little in your quest for happiness. You’re lucky to find that special someone, and you should consider that when weighing your paltry concerns over what society might think.
And if your job really does mean that much to you, and if you’re worried about things getting awkward if you two split, perhaps you should see if Domino’s is hiring.
Just don’t let the kid call you “that skank we knew.”
Dear Jared,
I have an issue I deal with on the daily: I fall in and out of lust too quickly. The shelf life for one of my love interests is typically a week’s time.
After that, I lose interest and move onto the next one. This obviously leaves no time for a long-term anything. Is there something wrong with this? What can I do to stop the madness?
-Flavor of the Week
Solution: Stop being such a whore.
Have a sexy question? E-mail Jared at Jmisner@alligator.org. Your name will not appear in print or online.
