I’ve got some advice for freshmen.
No. 1: To my desperate brethren: If you’re really looking to find a girl, college is a great place. An Alligator article published March 30 said, “Six out of 10 new UF students will be women in fall 2010, which is the largest gender gap favoring female students that UF has ever had.”
But a word of advice: If you’re really that desperate for your first college relationship with a real woman, then change your major from engineering to nursing. Really.
No. 2: Student Government is dumber than Lindsay Lohan’s fingernails; resist the urge to care.
Do you really think you’ll get hired because you voted for the Unite Party every election or because you helped found a brand-new, doesn’t-do-anything party?
You won’t.
There are only four things SG is good at: whining about the other SG party, spending money, passing meaningless resolutions and playing dirty during SG elections.
Want some practical advice? Buy a bunch of “I Voted” stickers and wear them during SG campaigns. The stickers ward off campaigners like Buffy the Vampire Slayer would ward off Edward “I-sparkle-more-than-a-freakin’-fairy” Cullen.
No. 3: Girls, you’re not off the hook, either. You think intelligent debate is the ladies on “The View.” It’s not.
People almost care less about Team Edward vs. Team Jacob than they care about Unite Party or Student Alliance party. (I’m personally Team Pantazi every day of the week, especially if we’re talking about Erin Andrews instead of Bella.)
No. 4: Don’t pick up a musical instrument, language or hobby. We’re not impressed.
Guys, we know you’re trying to grasp at some semblance of a conversation starter or looking for some way to set yourself apart from the rest of the drunken morons that you call fraternity brothers. But instead, you come off more like an attention-craved, preteen, wannabe Casanova.
Knowing the four chords repeated in “Wonderwall” and every other pathetic pop song doesn’t make you an impressive musician. We believe you’re a musician as much as we believe Sean Kingston can write his “girl” a symphony.
No. 5: Be a hypocrite. Do something you never thought you did.
If you always considered football to be mindless or dull, go to a football game.
If you think yoga is only for health freaks, try it out.
If you’re a hater like me, listen to Justin Bieber (just once though, we don’t want you to actually support the pre-pubescent, high-pitched Usher wannabe).
Or run for SG.
No. 6: Most importantly — and never forget this — you must ignore any advice you read in the Alligator. We’re college students; we don’t know anything. Don’t obey my every word. And certainly don’t take me seriously.
The Alligator exists to inform, not to be your mom and dad. Our advice is about as wise as Ke$ha when she wakes up in the morning.
Andrew Pantazi is a journalism senior.
