Welcome back to the heart of the Gator Nation, Gators. And for the baby Gators, we on the Editorial Board would like to extend you a special welcome to our beloved UF, the very same school where our former quarterback now models underwear on the side. We hope you have adjusted well (stocking up on Ramen, avoiding your first hangover for as long as possible) to your first few days of college life in the land of never-ending orange and blue.
In celebration of your academic triumphs and acceptance to the now-second-best university in Florida (ouch, Miami), we’d like to provide you with a different kind of welcome. Drop the campus map, avoid the Turlington area at all costs and keep reading for your special Welcome-To-UF-Here’s-What-You-Missed-This-Past-Year-While-We-Were-Busy-Shooting-Students-In-The-Face edition of
Darts & Laurels
No need to hurry home in fear, Gators. We’re seriously hoping this history doesn’t repeat itself anytime soon. And besides, locking your on-campus housing door wouldn’t really save you from the wrath of the University Police Department’s battering ram. We’re glad UPD admitted its Critical Incident Response Team was used innapropriately in the March incident that resulted in a UPD officer shooting a UF graduate student ... who walks with a cane ... in the face ... with a rifle. In consideration of that, we’d like to fire a Don’t-Tase-Me-Bro-Doesn’t-Even-Sound-That-Bad-Anymore LAUREL to the UPD with our sincerest hopes it doesn’t shoot any of our new students in the face this year.
We’re watching out for you guys!
Speaking of watching out for all of you, we’re throwing a Who-Cares-About-Civil-Liberties-Privacy-Or-Any-Of-That-Student-Voting-Mumbo-Jumbo DART at Big Brother. And maybe UF RecSports, too.
Aside from the fact that we’d rather not have to give anyone our fingerprints and hand scans just to watch “Jersey Shore” on the treadmill, UF students have resoundingly voiced their objections to any hand scanners at the Southwest Recreation Center any time they have been asked. But it’s OK; we have a fancy-schmancy gym with a track inside now! Who has time to worry about civil liberites when we’re building a $16.3 million gym?
Student Body president Ashton Charles certainly has other things to worry about. We hope she can focus on not repeating history (seeing a trend?) and following in the footsteps of her predecessor by avoiding any outbursts of disorderly conduct.
In all fairness, our former Student Body President Jordan Johnson wasn’t arrested in March for his drunken demands that a SNAP vehicle take him to his off-campus housing. And what Student Body president wouldn’t be a little peeved when a police officer didn’t recognize him? So, Ashton, we hope you make all our new Gators proud wearing your No-Arrests-For-Me LAUREL.
We’re a little less hopeful our football team will avoid any arrests this year.
For those of you who weren’t here last year, or any other year for that matter, some of our Gators football stars always manage to confuse glamour shots with mug shots. Both Frankie Hammond Jr., UF wide receiver, and Carlos Dunlap, former UF defensive end, were both arrested for driving under the influence during the past nine months. In looking to improve our model behavior for our new Gators, we’re giving a chain-gang style DART to the UF football team. Please try to not get arrested this year.
For one last time, the Editorial Board would like to send a warm welcome to all its new students to the place where “Don’t Tase me, Bro” was born. You’ll love it here.
