Gainesville is crammed with bars, and this Fourth of July weekend you will no doubt encounter throngs of sloppy drunks ready to join you in the never-ending war against joyless, American sobriety.
It’s a free world, and you can run with any crowd you like. But remember, no matter where you go or who you choose to slop with, in every bar you will run into the one omnipotent, super force: the bartender.
Out of all the “friends” you could possibly make during the evening, bartenders are (obviously) the most helpful.
To help you stay the friendly, well-liked mini-alcoholic that you are, here are five things you can do to avoid annoying that singular, supreme god of drinks.
1. Know what you want before you order:
Think of a bartender as the maintenance person for a well-oiled machine.
If your head is so full of non-alcohol-related garbage that you can’t even cough up the words to place your order when the time comes, you’re just slowing down the entire process and keeping good people from getting (watered-down) drinks.
2. Keep your money in your hand and let your eyes do the talking:
Bartenders get your drinks faster if you let them know you mean business. Remember that your cash can shout down any bartender better than your can.
“Don’t wave me down. We’re selling drinks, not hawking fat backs,” Joel Bryant, the resident spirit slinger at University Club and six-year veteran of the business, said.
“Don’t call my name, and please have money in your hands because all we ever see is your money,” Bryant said.
Also, eye contact and a friendly smile go a long way in letting the bartender know you are not a pompous jerk.
Former bartender Kim Wallace from the 2nd Street Speakeasy agrees that anyone waving his or her arms and acting impatient is going to wait much longer.
3. Be aware of your surroundings:
You look like an idiot when you ask what beers are on tap when the handles are a foot away from your face.
Knowing where to stand will help the bartender serve easier, and help you both avoid needless confusion.
“Stay in front of the well,” Bryant said. “It’s much easier to get to you, and you know I’ll be back there in a minute.”
When the bar starts to fill with people, keep drinks simple – nothing more complicated than a two-mix cocktail, and the bartender will know you’re working for them and not against them.
A bar is like an altar for many bartenders. If you think you’re an alcoholic angel in a heaven of your own drunken bliss, then the bartender is God, and he wants you to respect his space.
4. Acting sloppy guarantees your next visit will be a bummer:
Going to the bathroom after a couple of hours of sipping on the sauce can be a lot like walking off a carnival ride. There is a lot of uneasy swaying, and mostly you just want something solid to sit on. Somehow, though, you make it to the next attraction.
If you can resist the urge to puke in public and keep your overflowing personality to a minimum, you’ll have earned the respect and gratitude of the bartender.
Clean up after yourself a little, and the bartender will have that much more time to pour you a drink.
Keep your friends close. If you’re too sloshed to head out the door at closing time you become the bar’s problem, and that can keep everyone late.
It’s something you can be sure the bartender won’t forget the next time you walk up to his or her bar.
5. You will never flirt your way to a free drink:
Unless you are sucking the last drops of alcohol left on planet Earth, your kiss is never worth the price of a drink.
Give it up, because it’s a bartender’s job to deal with a new booze hound every 30 seconds and every one of them wants to drink for free.
Everyone on stage or behind the bar is 50 percent better looking, according to the 86 rules of Boozing. They know it, and if you try to flirt up a free martini they are probably going to flirt a 30 percent tip right out of your pocket book.
Bartending is an equal gender offender: women bartenders deal with obnoxious flirts as much as their male counterparts.
Bryant scoffs at the idea of allowing anyone a free drink just because they look good in a dress shirt.
Bryant is steadfast in his pay-as-you-partake policy.
“It gets fierce in here,” said Bryant. “Be a man in a gay bar and be a bartender. Girls have it easy because men are fierce.”
Moments later, a University Club regular teasingly offers Bryant pictures of his genitals in exchange for a tumbler of whiskey.
“You see this shit,” laughs Bryant, ignoring the man’s cries for more whiskey.
“This is the shit I have to deal with. Don’t ever be this guy!”
