You have 15 seconds to translate UF doctorate student Andrew Charles Thoron’s thesis into plain English.
Here’s the title: “Effects of Inquiry-Based Agriscience Instruction on Student Argumentation Skills, Scientific Reasoning and Student Achievement.”
You probably couldn’t do it. And you probably couldn’t do it because Thoron, like many doctorate students, was trained to make his work needlessly complicated.
But don’t blame Thoron. For all you know, he’s just like you – illegally downloads music, wastes time on Facebook, watches ESPN.
And that’s the problem.
Sure, elitism is prevalent in the education system’s highest levels. But it’s just as prevalent at the Worldwide Leader in Sports, a place supposedly sacred to the every man.
Hundreds of UF doctorate students wrote thesis papers in the weeks leading up to the NFL Draft. This isn’t a coincidence. If you want to learn jargon, look no further than ESPN’s talking heads around draft time.
Mel Kiper and Todd McShay are the company’s best analysts, but they are also ESPN’s pseudo-linguistic experts. And with the draft finished, they now have time to co-author “From Ball Hawk to Tweener: The Upside of Talking like Us,” featuring a foreword by Jay Bilas.
Here are some excerpts:
Ball Skills – Also known as “being able to catch a ball.” Example: Ted Ginn Jr. does not have ball skills.
Body Catcher – 1: A player who can’t catch the ball with his hands. Example: Not only does Ted Ginn Jr. not have ball skills, he isn’t even a body catcher. 2: A murderer.
Football IQ – How well a player understands the sport of football. Note: Professional football players and future pro football players usually have high Football IQs.
Motor – This word doesn’t actually mean anything. It’s just fun to say. Example: Look at Ndamukong Suh’s motor! I haven’t seen a motor like that since I saw Jevon Kearse’s motor. And, boy, did he have a great motor.
Waist Bender – A straight man’s excuse to use a homoerotic term when discussing an athlete. See also: Fluid Hips, Quick Hip Snap, Open Hips, Country Cock Strong.
And, because the NBA Draft is just a little more than a month away, don’t skip Bilas’ foreword, featuring words such as:
Considerable Linear Extent in Space – Tall.
Popability – A basketball player’s ability to surprise the defense by shooting.
Second Jumpability – You’ll have to wait for the actual book for this one because nobody outside of Bilas knows the definition. Whatever second jumpability is, Miami Heat forward Michael Beasley apparently has it in spades.
Bilas using ridiculous terms like “considerable linear extent in space” is akin to Thoron saying “Inquiry-Based Agriscience Instruction.” For some reason, they justify their work by using as many syllables as possible.
Instead, they should focus on simplifying their work to reach common people.
The theme of Thoron’s paper was teaching students about using science on farms. Kiper, McShay and Bilas talk about sports for a living. Neither topic should be complicated.
But, looking at the hundreds of thesis papers written by UF doctorate students this spring, it is clear they are prepared for a world filled with long-winded words. And they are not alone.
You, too, can become an elitist if you want. Just keep watching “SportsCenter.”
