Dear readers, I have enjoyed my time so far serving as an Avenue columnist. By which, I mean that I enjoy getting my opinions and musings out there so I can entertain some bored students who just finished the crossword in the classifieds section. However, I will be taking my column in a different direction this time. Instead of entertaining you people with (mostly) true stories about being bored and anti-social, I will use my position as a semi-legitimate column writer to warn one and all about a very grave threat to our collective well-being: douchebags.
I'm not talking douchebaggery of the "Jersey Shore" variety, but true, seething douchebagitude. The sort practiced by insecure people when they find themselves so lacking in self-value they need to do their best to suck everyone else into their vortex of failure. The sort of tool that would see someone else and think, "Hey, is that guy happy? How can I ruin that?" This can also be referred to as "hating."
Douchebags are ever-resourceful. They can ruin things you thought couldn't get any worse.
"Hey [douchey nickname that no one has ever called you by], sorry to hear about that bad breakup you just had. Don't worry though, your ex sucked. I know this because I hooked up with [him/her] multiple times. Also, [terribly inappropriate comment made in public about something private]."
They can ruin things yet to come into being: "Hey, have you been dating that [girl/guy]? Be careful, [she/he] [phrase describing promiscuous behavior that I engage in myself but isn't that bad when I do it because I'm a douchebag/douchebaguette]. I would know because I know [something a douchebag/douchebaguette like me should have no business knowing or repeating]."
Recently, a certain douchebag, well versed in the techniques described above, took douchebaggery to a new level.
This jerk was ruining the good times an ex-girlfriend of mine was having and used the fact that I wrote stand-up jokes about her to make her feel bad. This led to a hullabaloo (which is an awesome word, and I encourage you all to use it in everyday conversation), which caused a days-long headache for your intrepid columnist.
While I can't really criticize this tool for making my ex-girlfriend feel bad (since I managed to do that so much more effectively during our relationship), his most despicable action was to use my jokes for evil. This is an egregious violation of Joke Law, and as judge, jury and joke executioner, I find this douchebag to be guilty.
The sentence? Being the butt of a joke for a whole column while everyone who knows him reads it and nods.
Douchebags are an unfortunate drawback to knowing people. However, they do have a positive function: They give the rest of us a common enemy. Besides, we can all help each other overcome this threat through mutual support and understanding. Everyone, repeat after me: "Haters gonna hate."
