First it was the hippies and communist professors who were corrupting our children’s minds with radical concepts such as gravity and the letter “Q.” Then it was those damn femi-Nazis who wanted to turn our prom queens into jezebels who choke down birth control pills like Skittles.
Now, university authorities are trembling at the possibility of a new breed of monster that just may rob this campus of its innocence — Nerf guns.
Luckily for all of God’s children out there, our heroes at the Department of Housing and Residence Education, the same people who masterfully lead us through the darkest of fire drills and the most dire of alcohol checks, have the courage to stand up to these cold, heartless half-dead bastards.
Could you imagine the horror if one of these Turlington warriors decides to pull a John Rambo by charging into a classroom chock-full of children and spraying the place with his or her foam artillery?
Combine the opening scenes of “Saving Private Ryan” and “Gangs of New York” to a soundtrack of wailing and gnashing of teeth and you have a slight grasp of the slaughter carnival that would ensue in such an ungodly scenario.
If you feel overwhelmed by those brave enough to combat the undead, there’s a crop of UPDs who could quench their bloodthirst in between cracking stoner skulls at rock concerts and putting the pieces together behind the who-pissed-behind-the-Grog-House-Dumpster investigation.
As for the toy-toting titans, the beatings will continue until morale improves.
