Get excited, people – the end of the semester is on the horizon. But beware because there’s something else lurking on the surface of the calm waters. And that something has taken the form of an exams-project-and-paper iceberg that will take that optimistic steamboat of yours down if you’re not careful.
So please be on the lookout while we present you with this week’s even-if-your-ship-goes-down-we-promise-we’ll-never-let-go edition of Darts & Laurels.
We also promise that’ll be the last “Titanic” reference, too.
Now on a completely unrelated subject: We’d like to make peace with all the living dead running amok around campus.
We’re sorry if our editorial offended you, but in case you haven’t figured it out yet... uh, that’s our job.
So, we’re going to steal a Nerf rocket launcher from one of the few human survivors left on campus and shoot as many squishy foam you-zombies-really-need-to-take-a-chill-pill DARTS at UF’s zombie population. We’ve had more letters to the editor about this than any other subject we’ve covered this whole semester.
We get it, OK. Just play your silly fantasy game and leave our inboxes alone before we alert the Hobbits and Keebler elves.
Speaking of people who live in delusion, during the Q-and-A segment of Accent’s “Great Religion Debate,” a disgruntled audience member tried, and failed, to stammer out a tirade accusing renowned atheist Christopher Hitchens for “being a traitor to the left” and then saying something about him smelling like scotch and other unintelligible gibberish.
The audience was not impressed, and Accent staffers swiftly cut him off before he could further pollute the air with his smog of insanity.
Therefore, we’d like to throw out a there’s-only-room-for-one-Andrew-Meyer-in-this-town DART to Justin Wooten.
In the future, keep your guttural noises to yourself.
However, the week wasn’t all full of human garbage as our favorite red-shirt wearing, home-wrecking golf icon (OK, so we somewhat lied about the “human garbage” part) came out of his hole to see whether he could see his delightfully mixed shadow on the greens of Augusta. While we were relieved to see him artificially admit to his transgressions, we were more than stoked to see that he laid some new sod on his once-million dollar endorsement face. Therefore, we’re teeing off a nothing-says-forgive-me-America-than-a-pedophile-look LAUREL at Tiger Woods’ goatee. Even if he only had it for a few days, the big-boy look convinced us that he learned after his first 2,349,829 women.
As our semester and this edition comes to close, we also lament the end of a great and action-packed college basketball season. While our team suffered defeat at the hands of 30-year-old boy scouts on the first day, one team almost caused the sports world to turn upside-down and inside out with its Rudy-esque run to the title game. Although it came up a bucket short and completely tore our brackets to shreds, it was damn fun to watch. Therefore, we’re chucking a half-court-way-to-almost-put-all-of-Las-Vegas-out-of-business LAUREL to the Butler University basketball team. So what if the coach doesn’t shave yet? Those kids can play.
So go forth, young men and women, this weekend as you conquer the bars, catch up on much-needed sleep and cheer on your football team as it takes the field for the annual glorified backyard game.
Because if you don’t, the terrorists will win.
