In one of the greatest miracles to ever grace academia since the adderall cocktail, millions of college students overnight have become America’s leading experts on health care policy.
Instead of doing what one would expect – keeping these secrets to themselves and selling them to the U.S. government at an exorbitant fee to buttress their bankrolls – they are doing a selfless, patriotic service in sharing them all on Facebook for the whole world’s benefit.
Although our lead scientists and policy experts are hard at work establishing the cause of this phenomenon, their initial findings have concluded two things.
First, Democrats shot the GOP Death Star — omething so great that it would make Christ’s second coming look like a Buzz Killington story. Ring the church bells and fire the cannons. It’s a new and glorious morn!
And second, that dirty, treacherous Islamic terrorist Hussein and his henchmen from the ninth circle of Hell, who want to kill grandma, sell our wives into slavery and eat our babies, have plunged America into a Stalinist wasteland where couples will be forced to only have three-sevenths of a child and all colors except red and atheistic gray will be outlawed.
In the coming weeks, our top physicists tell us, these virtual virtuosos will be treated like gods among mere mortals. Professors will shower praise on them. The townspeople will fear them, and women will be so mesmerized with their prophetic knowledge that they will drop their britches at the first sign of a winking emoticon.
Until then, let’s only pray for our country’s sake that it can find 1 million people who would have also punched Snooki in the face before we run out of time.
