One of the best parts of the latest fad in American federal legislating is how the actual content of our billion-dollar bills remain completely secret until after they are signed into law. It’s like a scratch-off lottery ticket, and who doesn’t love the excitement and anticipation of scratch-offs?
Scratch-off Congress has passed a couple bank welfare bills in this manner, but in its defense, shoving hard-earned money into the hands of people associated with banks is historically what America does best. The coolly disinterested latex caress of a disgruntled doctor, though, is something much more tangible to the average citizen than a bailout-funded banker orgy aboard a yacht made of diamonds.
Because of this disconnect, one of the most popular American pastimes of the next few months will certainly be getting completely freaked out about different parts of the health care bill that passed this week. As a public service I would like to take this opportunity to do my part.
While in line at KFC last night, a woman in front of me was discussing how she heard from a friend who heard it on talk radio that Obama was gonna start taxing tanning booths and tattoo parlors. I had heard about the tax on tanning, but was surprised to hear about the tattoo tax. As it turns out, I am not alone in my astonishment regarding this most unorthodox tax.
According to the Internet, Sandra Bullock waved her shiny new Oscar like a magic wand and had extreme anti-tattoo provisions written into the humongous health care bill. Some message boards and blogs even suggest that the Americans with Disabilities Act will be amended to include a designation for people wronged in some way by excessively inked individuals — but the federal courts have to this point stopped short of granting Bullock a license for legally hunting skanky tattooed whores.
Genetic testing of each citizen enrolled in the national health care database will track people with tattoos for certain ethnic markers, and people with specific tats and no genetic-based cultural signification in their family background will be subject to an extra tax on their income. This bylaw, dubbed the Frat Tax, will allow the federal government to make sure that your tribal tattoo corresponds with a tribe your family actually belonged to, and make sure that the Kanji or Sanskrit word on your shoulder could have conceivably slipped from the mouth of your long-dead ancestors.
The most heinous of the new anti-tat measures, directed at hipsters with whole bodies of colorful ink, plans to use a dispassionate board of seven peers to examine the whole of a person’s tattoo collection and decide how much extra tax they will pay based on the continuity of the whole design. Known derisively by some as a “Koi Panel,” these independent reviews could be the difference between affording that next sweet indie band tee and sadly schlepping home from the show listening to Animal Collective sans T-shirt.
Call your congressperson as soon as you put this column down and tell them the health care bill needs to be stopped. I would, too, but I just went and bought these scratch-offs, and I’m gonna be busy for a while.
Tommy Maple is an international communications graduate student. His columns appear on Thursdays.
