He Says...
Seriously, be a man!
Whining about not having a date for Valentine’s Day is something that only chicks are allowed to do.
You should be happy that you aren’t going to be tied down this year. No girlfriend means no stressing over gifts, no grand romantic gestures and certainly no awkward conversations where she accuses you of being sweet only because it’s Valentine’s Day.
Fellas, I assure you, this weekend is a blessing in disguise. Remember the rationale behind “Wedding Crashers”? Women become horny with jealousy whenever their friends are in happy relationships. Valentine’s Day is no different.
Girls become emotionally unstable when they can’t secure a date for the Fourteenth, causing them to band together in opposition of this “Hallmark holiday” and go out in droves.
And since the big day rests on a Sunday, the smell it brings with it will waft into town as early as Friday. That means a three-day open season on all the singles in Gainesville.
Imagine wave after wave of ladies and no couples diluting the field of potential mates. While those in relationships are all out on their picnics, dinner dates or unnecessarily long walks on the beach, their friends will be out looking for a warm body to snuggle with.
But you are going to have to go out into the wild of Gainesville’s nightlife if you want to take part in the hunt. Don’t think that by surprising the cutie in your class who you never talk to with flowers on Friday will make her yours by Sunday.
When you are out there this weekend, play to their emotions. Talk about how fake and corporate Valentine’s Day has become. You could even throw out the sympathy card and tell a story about how your girlfriend just left you, and all the romantic things you had planned for Valentine’s Day have gone to waste. The strategies are endless.
But if preying on the unsuspecting women of UF isn’t your style, I understand. There are plenty of other ways to celebrate that have nothing to do with romance. Have a boys’ night. Order some wings, pick up some beer, relax and watch whatever game is on.
Overall, girl or no girl, it shouldn’t really matter. If you have a significant other, make sure you treat her right. After all, Valentine’s Day is all about the ladies. If you’re single, relish the fact that you are your own man and be happy to have no obligations to anyone else. Either way, keep in mind that there are more Valentine’s Days to come, and that next year, you may be experiencing it from the other side.
She Says...
In three days, single girls everywhere will turn to cynicism and vodka in the name of self-loathing and the patron saint of commercialized love, Valentine.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Last year around this time I was among the coupled, preparing for a romantic weekend in New York City with my beloved. Little did I know, he was preparing for his breakup speech, which, by the way, began with something like, “So, uh, if we break up, can we still have sex?”
I have good reason to be jaded. I’m tempted to spend Sunday wallowing in my loneliness, blubbering incoherently (from the vodka) to my cat about my terrible taste in men, but instead, I’m going to make like Walt Whitman and sing the song of myself.
Just because you are down a significant other doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate.
Here are some tips for making Valentine’s Day about the most important person in your life – you.
Wake up the right way. Morning masturbation is the key to staying positive on V-Day. Nothing says “I love me” like coloring your day with a self-induced orgasm. Then, eat a nice breakfast and drink some coffee. A caffeine buzz will keep the positivity flowing.
Relax. What is it about Valentine’s Day that drives everyone crazy? Even people in relationships pull their hair out over it, and let’s face it, it’s just another day. A good bump in business for the floral industry and a nice excuse to eat chocolate, but nonetheless another day for us to celebrate the ones we love, which is something we should be doing every day.
Be proud. Singledom is not equivalent to leprosy, so refrain from hiding. Go to dinner with your single friends, make cards for your roomies and treat yourself with a manicure or mini shopping spree.
Keep the faith. At this age, being single is hardly an omen. One day you will celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone special, but until then, don’t waste your time wondering why you’re single or if you’ll ever meet someone. You will. It is better to be alone than to be wasting your time with someone who is constantly letting you down.
