Darts and Laurels

Happy Friday, Gators.

We’re suspecting a lot of you just got your first test grades back and are contemplating changing your majors to family, youth and community sciences.

But no matter what happens in your lives, you can always count on the Editorial Board to deliver your weekly dose of they-might-make-you-rip-your-paper-in-half-but-we-know-you-love-us edition of Darts & Laurels.

The Editorial Board has a bone to pick with a certain rodent. That’s right, we’re talking to you, Punxsutawney Phil.

And your cute, little face and furry features aren’t going to distract us.

You clearly didn’t read our editorial the other day, which offends us a little but not as much as the fact that you gave us six more weeks of winter.

That’s why we have part of the Editorial Board on the lookout for PETA — so the other part can chuck a big ole DART at Punxsutawney Phil for seeing his shadow.

And while we’re on the subject of individuals we wish would get underground and stay there, the Editorial Board would like to publish a book of DARTS, use PAC money to buy a million copies of it and give one to Sarah Palin for wasting $63,000 buying her own book and another $8,000 on “Going Rogue” bookmarks.

We don’t know about you, but we definitely don’t want a bookmark with Sarah’s face on it. But we guess if you donated money to Sarah Palin, you probably deserve to have it wasted on ridiculous garbage.

Speaking of ridiculous, this next dart is for all you disillusioned people out there who actually think you look like David Beckham and Angelina Jolie. We hate to break it to you (who are we kidding? — no we don’t), but 98 percent of you have little to no resemblance to that hottie in your profile picture.

And that’s why we’re sending out the tanks to shoot an army of big fat DARTS filled with common sense at all you ridiculous doppelgänger-wannabes out there — the fact that you have a twin sister does not mean you look like an Olsen twin.

On the other hand, we’d like to shower a handful of thanks-for-keeping-it-funny LAURELS at the ladies who made your defaults John Stamos, guys who posted Johnny Bravo and anyone who posted Janet Reno.

And while we’re on the subject of Facebook, the Editorial Board would like to wish everyone’s favorite networking site a happy birthday.

That’s right, Facebook turned 6 years old Thursday.

So for bringing us all together — old friends, parents, future employers and that guy in the back of the class you have a crush on — we’re going to present creator Mark Zuckerberg with a cake decorated with LAURELS.

We hope you can stick around for many years to come.

We also wished Conan O’Brien would stick around, but we didn’t get what we wanted.

 Nonetheless, we’re giving a bright red LAUREL to Coco for paying each of the 50 crew members from his show severance pay out of pocket. Whether you were Team Coco or Team Leno, you have to admit it was a nice move.

So have we done enough this week to piss you off? If so, write about it in a Letter to the Editor.

 If not, see you next week for another edition of Darts and Laurels.

Until then, take down that stupid picture of pre-baby Jennifer Lopez. Seriously, we’re all laughing at you.