I'd like to start out this column by posing a question to you, readers, and the entire Screen Actors Guild: What the hell is a female actor?
That seems like all they said. "The best female actor is..." or "female supporting actor." The presenters even called Betty White an actor. I guess that term resides in the same asexual, Nazi PC phylum that makes it appropriate to call a waitress a server. Maybe I'm coming off as some sort of ultra-conservative parade-rainer. Maybe the SAG needs to man-up and call people what they freakin' are.
The SAGs also pissed me off by completely shutting out "The Office" from any awards, especially in the "best comedy ensemble" caption. The cast lost to "Glee." I know I'm making a lot of enemies here, but who even knew that show was funny? I bet Steve Carell is wondering why he even dressed up for the evening but to appear dumbfounded as a bunch of fruity teenagers stripped him of his comedic glory.
On the other end of that spectrum was the cast of "Inglorious Basterds." Great movie, great bunch of guys, but where the hell was Brad Pitt? That flake-out was probably in some Third-World country looking for another kid to adopt, but he could have at least shown his mug to accept an award for such an awesome movie.
On a side note, what was up with all the beards the male actors were sporting? It was like watching a classy version of The Fest. Maybe Jon Hamm and his henchmen are trying to start a new trend. I can see it now: "Mad Men" vs. Wild.
Now let's see if I can pull out a few positives before we close this thing.
First, there's Morgan Freeman, that wise and God-like man, who announced the winner of the "Best female supporting actor." He normally exudes class, but when the winner of the award, Monique, came up to accept, he taunted her by holding the trophy away from the actor and presenting his cheek for a kiss beforehand. Morgan, you dog, you. I can't say I would have done anything different.
Then we have Betty White, that feisty little old lady who won the Lifetime Achievement Award, which I'm assuming isn't from the TV channel even though "Golden Girls" was awesome. Her recognition even evoked a tattoo-fingered whistle from Jesse James, who obviously thinks she's pretty badass herself. She's played in more movies and TV shows than most of those other actors have even watched. What an amazing actress (Yes, I said "actress." Screw the SAG; this is my column). That's as nice as I'm ever going to be. Until the next time Hollywood makes an ass of itself, I'm out.
