Much has been made of the fall of the Roman Empire in the media over the last few years, especially as our own American empire has come under deservedly intense scrutiny.
Television watchers who have witnessed the revelations on MTV’s “Jersey Shore” with a keen eye toward history will clearly see that the fall of the Roman Empire was due to an acute shortage of hair gel.
Tanned and toned — thanks to the miracles of modern science — the self-professed “guidos and guidettes” depicted in “Jersey Shore” are leading us all into a brave new world constructed atop the rubble of old Rome.
According to venerated Roman custom, those giving false witness shall be subjected to capital punishment. These latter-day Roman thinkers seem to have a tenuous grip on the finer points of Western common law, but the spirit of the ancient Romans and the eternal value of truth are reinforced with every sloppy drunken haymaker.
Italians proud of their unique representation of cultural heritage, our Jersey Shore denizens were made for the digital age — they are like crack cocaine for cable TV and the Internet.
Blown-out hair gelled with half a bottle of industrial-grade coagulants and skin shining like a new penny, these Roman gladiators do battle against their natural physical state instead of a foreign enemy. Like any compelling accident, we are powerless to stop them from attracting our attention.
Harkening back into ancient history and murky pan-Mediterranean lore, the braying and feisty Snooki brings immediately to mind the grand mythos surrounding Helen of Troy. Snooki has the face that launched a thousand fists. Her eminently punchable mug may be the source of inspiration for centuries to come, provided we still cherish chunky, orange-colored girls who know their way around a big pan of ziti.
The Roman Empire built great aqueducts that remain a viable part of European life to this day, pioneering the construction of the great cities of the world and providing clean water and all it entails for the creation of modern societies – but that pales in comparison to the long-lasting cultural import of the blowout.
DJ Pauly D, whose own spectacular hair far outshines his middling talent as a disc jockey and/or discernible value as a human being, recently filmed a tutorial for the New York Daily News Web site on the authentic composition of a guido-approved blowout hairdo. Take note, young and impressionable readers – the Internet can show you how to be a better person in as little as 25 minutes, provided you lack a soul and love the feeling of hairspray coating your lungs.
While Romans of lore virtually taught the Western world how to think, those at the apex of the new Roman Empire prefer the deep thoughts of Ed Hardy. A philosopher fit for our times, Hardy reminds us all that the human heart is as fragile as our standing on this mortal coil. Tune in tonight and witness the rise of the new Roman Empire, and wonder along with me to the eternal question of our age – does Ed Hardy make a toga?
Tommy Maple is an international communications graduate student. His column appears on Thursdays.
