A notice to the University Athletic Association:
I hereby appoint myself the official designated driver of the UF football team. Players can go out and get hammered during the week of the most important game of the season. It’s okay. I will be on call, prepared to offer a ride to any player in need of my service.
The game against Alabama may not matter that much to the players, but it certainly does to me. I will be happy to sacrifice my sleep schedule for the duration of my time at UF to ensure that the players remain eligible for games. My services will extend beyond chauffeuring. I will also throw myself in front of any player targeted by an officer’s Taser, help work out late-night conflicts with sandwich shop employees, and retrieve from the impound lot the cars of players’ girlfriends. I am fed up with these student athletes who jeopardize their careers and playing eligibility. Should they continue to misbehave, the players may lose scholarships or potential professional suitors, but I stand to lose more: my pride in my team.
Please, UF football players: Call me when in need.
