As an unabashed supporter of all things pirate, news about pirates fighting the Mafia has left me nothing short of ecstatic. Additionally, as a shaper of public opinion and a veritable wellspring of brilliant ideas, I have an actionable plan that solves a pressing global issue in one fell swoop.
Somali pirates should be enlisted by the world to save the oceans.
For years, Somalis have sworn that someone was dumping hospital garbage, chemicals and toxic waste into the Gulf of Aden and Indian Ocean. This, as well as rampant overfishing of the ungoverned Somali waters by huge commercial boats from Europe and Asia, was the main impetus behind the formation of a pirate renaissance in Africa. The United Nations investigated these claims a few years back and found a bunch of really sick people and radioactive beaches, but nobody had any real proof - until last month.
An Italian mobster dying of terminal cancer flipped in September, admitting he personally sank at least 10 ships filled with toxic waste in the waters between Italy and Africa. Keep in mind: This is only one man in one crime family. Euro authorities are in a mad scramble to clean up what could be among the biggest man-made environmental disasters of modern times and sprint as fast as they can from legitimate questions about the real cost of European energy policy.
Mafia-run waste disposal is almost as clichéd as smelly Europeans sipping their iceless water and looking down on gauche American tendencies, but to see that both concepts are intrinsically linked gives new and ironic profundity to the term Eurotrash. Of course nuclear power buttressed by solar and wind generation is the answer, you fat Yankees - just give all your spent isotopes to the Mob and fuhgeddaboutit.
Seen in this light, our pirate friends come off as a ragtag navy fighting to save the environment from organized crime and industrial excess. I smell a Disney movie, preferably in CGI, with voice work by top Hollywood talent. In fact, I have already had my script for "Small-E: Open Seas-on" optioned by DreamWorks, and Jamie Foxx is eyeing the lead role of the gruff yet good-natured captain.
The much-maligned Somali pirates may hijack passing ships and generally upset Western corporate interests, but like all scalawags worth their salt, the Somalis live by a strict code of conduct. Fair to a fault, all ransom money is shared evenly among the crew, and hostages are protected to the nth degree. Sexual assault and theft are explicitly forbidden, and their strict disciplinary structures make the pirates among the most well-governed and accountable military forces operating in Africa.
Because only a world governmental authority could conceivably police all the oceans and everybody is scared of a global government, let's just make these known criminals our ocean authorities and allay the fear of the unknown. Fighting overfishing and waste dumping, the pirates would be too busy to hijack cargo ships with their expanded role as sea protectors. We need to act quickly on this because the oceans are a precious and vital part of our fragile world - and I already started writing the script for the sequel.
Tommy Maple is a graduate student in international communications. His column appears on Thursdays.
