Things have been extra crazy around campus recently. UF staff members and the public just won't let up with their barrage of absurd actions, baffling the Editorial Board. While we would never wish this feeling of helpless bewilderment on anyone, we do hope that the Student Body shares in at least some of our confusion. And it is on that note that we are proud to present you with a we-need-confirmation-that-it's-not-just-the-sleep-deprivation-that's-confusing-us edition of...
Darts & Laurels
Christopher gazed into her soft eyes. Whispering, he told her how beautiful she is. Filled with lust, he slowly unzipped his pants... Sound like the beginning of a romantic novel? Soft-core screenplay? Well, like the poor creative writers we are, we forgot to set the scene.
Christopher Wallace was allegedly masturbating while viewing Internet pornography in Library West, according to University Police, who issued Wallace a trespass warning last week. Not so romantic anymore, is it? While we appreciate that he kept it in his pants (mostly), we have to throw a keep-it-out-of-the-libraries DART at Mr. Wallace. There's simply not enough hand sanitizer in the world to make us feel clean after hearing that one.
But the madness did not stop there for patrons of Library West. Roman Schulz, a 60-year-old Gainesville resident, threatened to throw hot coffee on anyone using his favorite computer last Friday. At least we know that coffee is the worst of what could get on us in a confrontation with Schulz. (As other library visitors have demonstrated, the situation could be a lot stickier.) We still have to throw even hotter coffee - or rather, a piping-hot-grande-latte DART - back at Mr. Schulz.
Hopefully Wallace and Schulz will team up and start their own Internet cafe, giving them a much needed reason to stay out of UF libraries. How does "Mocha Me Moan" sound?
On to the staff. Last Friday morning, a UF nuclear engineering professor and his wife were arrested after allegedly stealing the work of UF grad and doctoral students, trying to turn it into $3.7 million for themselves and their sons. We just don't understand how Samim Anghaie hoped to dupe NASA, the Air Force and the Navy out of millions of dollars.
This comes at the heels of a UF department chair's resignation last month. Michael Garrett was allegedly sleeping with multiple students, all of whom believed they were in "exclusive, intimate" relationships with him. In the age of social networking and instant gossip, this was bound to end poorly (and publicly).
So we have decided to throw a learn-a-thing-or-two-from-your-students DART at the UF staff. We know this Internet thing is newfangled nonsense to some of these old-timers, but Garrett, 39, should be familiar with the devastating effects Facebook has on would-be players. As for Anghaie's epic plagiarism, even at 60 he should be well aware of turnitin.com.
Tired of all the DARTS? Well how about a queen-of-absurdity LAUREL for the barefoot pumpkin lady who drove a 2-ton dump truck around town Saturday collecting "a good 1,000" rotting pumpkins. She uses these pumpkins to decorate her sprawling 130-acre property, and though we aren't even close to understanding this one either, we love it!
Just to prove that it isn't just Gainesville going crazy recently, on Tuesday, Maine voters simultaneously approved expansions to the state's medical marijuana laws and rejected a law granting same-sex couples the right to marry. What in the world is going on? For taking one step forward, two steps back and confusing the hell out of us in the process, we would like to present Maine voters with a big, fat DAUREL. (Yes, we can do that because it's that mixed up.)
Finally, there was one lonely bit of news that made sense this week. The City of Gainesville will provide the St. Francis House with a supplementary site for providing meals to the homeless this Thanksgiving. For doing the right thing, we're proud to give a we-knew-you'd-come-around LAUREL to the city.
That's all for this week. Go Gators!
