Last week was unusually slow for the Department of Darts and Laurels. In light of this, we made a (desperate?) plea for Gators to go out and make some real news. While we doubt that the overwhelming response was due entirely to the public pity party we held for ourselves last week, we think it helped. So now, inundated with news, we would like to present you with a be-careful-what-you-wish-for edition of:
Darts & Laurels
Because it’s all bad news (well, almost).
First up, people are actually paying attention to Student Government! Alright, that’s not the real story, but it was a surprise to us. The controversial issue SG took up this week was a resolution in support of student fees for the proposed Reitz Union renovation and expansion.
We find it painfully ironic that the only way to get more students involved in SG is for it to basically ignore students’ interests by voting on the Reitz fees without enough discussion.
For voting on an issue that should be left to the Student Body (Hooray for direct democracy!) and for unleashing your legion of senators to downplay concerns about rising fees, we have to throw a stop-trampling-on-students-Reitz DART at SG.
But at least this week’s letter writers had something other than the Alligator to direct their anger toward.
When the Department of Darts and Laurels heard that Jeremy Piven would be speaking at UF this month, we were moderately amused; he can be a funny guy, sometimes. But when we found out that Piven was to be paid $85,000 for the appearance, we were shocked. For agreeing to pay Piven more than the salary of some staff members lost to budget cuts, we have to throw a that-goon-from-”Entourage”-is-making-how-much? DART at the Accent Speakers Bureau.
At least UF was fortunate enough to get stood up. Piven must have had one hell of a schedule conflict to turn down $85,000.
On Wednesday, a group of people distributed thousands of copies of Darwin’s “The Origin of Species” on Turlington Plaza. Hidden beneath the cover of this inviting gift was something most didn’t expect: an “introduction” by creationist author Ray Comfort — basically a refutation of all that was to follow in Darwin’s groundbreaking book. For hiding your true motives with these underhanded tactics, we are happy to throw a there’s-a-reason-people-turn-down-your-literature DART at Ray Comfort and his cronies.
If you have to resort to tricks to get your message across at UF, maybe it’s time to look elsewhere.
Ready for the good news? Thanks to UF alum Beau Thompson, you’ll never fumble around in bedroom again! While that’s not exactly the case, putting on a condom might be one less thing for you to foul up. That’s because Thompson has invented a condom that rolls on “with ease,” featuring two straps that peel away “like a Band-Aid.”
While a Band-Aid is the last thing we want near our junk, anything to streamline this sometimes awkward process is welcome. For making our lives just a little bit easier, we’re happy to give a hope-this-idea-doesn’t-go-limp LAUREL to Mr. Thompson. Because we’re looking forward to it.
That’s all for this week. Go make some (good) news, Gators! (No DUIs — yes we heard about that.)
