On Thursday, my esteemed colleague Phil Kegler examined the lack of a fourth-best team in college football.
Today, I want to examine the lack of a fourth major sport in this great, football-crazed nation of ours.
Hockey used to be the fourth major sport in America, but a lockout and Gary Bettman, the only commissioner somehow worse than baseball's Bug Selig, have reduced hockey to nothing more than a weekly game and a few finals games on TV every season.
Now, hockey is just one of a few sports that all seem to be jockeying for position and television dollars once we move past the big three:
Flagship Organization: ATP
Pros: Great individual competition between guys with names like Rog and Rafa. A competitive female circuit. Maria Sharapova.
Cons: Whiny country club types who "retire" in the third set with leg cramps. Lord of the Rings-long matches. Capris for men.
Best American Athlete: Andy Roddick.
Flagship Organization: PGA Tour
Pros: Watching regular guys like a beer-drinking, chain-smoking John Daly in the '90s and, more recently, an aging Tom Watson legitimately have a chance to win. "Get in the hole!" calls. Tiger Woods.
Cons: Doesn't exactly connect with young, hip American culture. Sometimes less exciting than watching paint dry. Whispering announcers.
Best American Athlete: Tiger Woods.
Flagship organization: NHL
Pros: Tough-as-nails eastern Europeans checking each other into the boards and dropping the gloves. Fast-paced action. Incredibly impressive to watch in person. Barry Melrose's mullet. Osama Bin Laden-style playoff beards.
Cons: Toothless smiles. Postgame interviews filled with "aboot" and "eh?" Two halftimes. The same lack of diversity as a frat guy's wardrobe (I imagine their closets look just like Doug Funnie's. Hm … boat shoes, khakis, Easter egg-colored polo and Croakies it is!)
Best American Athlete: Mike Modano.
Flagship organization: Sprint Cup
Pros: High speeds and violent crashes. Milk, beer and Pepsi showers in the winner's circle. Angry rednecks who take road rage to the next level.
Cons: Left turns followed by left turns followed by more left turns. The car is more important than the skill of its driver. Makes hockey look as diverse as Turlington on a weekday afternoon.
Best American Athlete: Jimmie Johnson.
Flagship organization: English Premier League
Pros: The most global sport of them all. Passionate fans. Uninterrupted action with a definite amount of time you need to watch an entire match.
Cons: Ties. As American as sushi, Borat and BMW. Fewer goals than a high school dropout. Obnoxious fans who act as though Americans are beneath soccer.
Best American Athlete: Landon Donovan, Jozy Altidore.
Flagship organization: UFC
Pros: Quick fights with lots of bloodshed and knockouts. Watching different fighting styles clash. Perhaps the most diverse sport of all. Joe Rogan. Dana White.
Cons: Perhaps too violent for mainstream America. Great title fights can be infrequent. Cauliflower ear. Dana White.
Best American Athlete: Brock Lesnar, B.J. Penn.
