If you're like me and things like, say, roller coasters and horror movies terrify you to the point of near panic, I would advise against a trip to Universal's Halloween Horror Nights.
I spent most of Saturday night desperately clutching my girlfriend's arm while my friends mercilessly teased me.
Normally, this would have been bad enough, but it's so much worse when everyone knows you're afraid.
You see, my friends wanted to make sure I got the "full experience." This involved walking at an ungodly slow pace through haunted houses and grabbing me from behind as we made our way through fog-filled, strobe light-flashing rooms so disorienting that it was nearly impossible to differentiate nightmare from reality.
Surprisingly enough, I did manage to refrain from wetting myself.
Even more surprisingly, I was able to have insightful sports conversation with a guy wearing face paint and carrying several neon glow sticks while I waited in line for the bathroom.
I made friends with a Florida State fan that looked nearly as pale as I did explaining the Seminoles loss to Boston College.
He said that he was "proud" of how the team played and that they "almost pulled it out." I was appalled. What has happened to FSU? A few years ago that kind of talk would have been heresy.
I want to give Seminole fans the same advice my friend Ryan gave me as I walked out of something called The Spawning in a cold sweat: "You just got to keep that bottled up, man."
We eventually ended up at some kind of faux-Irish pub in time to catch the last few minutes of Miami's win over Oklahoma.
A bartender named Patrick, who I suspect wasn't actually Irish, poured drinks for some of the girls in our group, and I made small talk with two guys wearing Miami jerseys - one of which had whiskers painted on his face.
If you have ever come in contact with Hurricanes fans, I'm sure you've had nearly the same conversation I did.
Apparently "The U" is back (or as the one painted like a kitten informed me, had never left). It turns out that Jacory Harris may just be some kind of deity, and it's somehow appropriate to flash "The U" hand gesture like a gang sign for as long as you deem permissible following a big win.
I like Miami. I like Harris. But if these are the kind of people that are being let back out into the world because the Hurricanes are good again, I think we were all better of when they were missing bowl games.
As ridiculous as my two friends from southern Florida may seem, they were by no means the most misguided college football fans I came across.
That award goes to the UCF fan that was so overwhelmed by the joy of beating Memphis that he was buying $6 blood-bag Jell-O shots for complete strangers.
I'm from Orlando. I want to see the Knights do well, but UCF fans running euphorically in the streets after beating Memphis is almost as bad of an idea as spending $5 a ball to play some rigged carnival game after you've put away a few beers in an attempt to settle your fears about being practically surrounded by things that scare the crap out of you.
After this weekend, I'm convinced that the mix of alcohol, ominous music and football somehow leads fans to the outer most reaches of rationalization and sanity.
If you know someone that could be considered obnoxious, loud or stupid, I suggest keeping some, or all, of these things away from them in the coming weeks.
