Amid a thorny nest of substantive issues and thoughtful debate about human agency, America proved last week that our real gift to the world is a bountiful supply of vaguely Asian, dysfunctional families ready to claw their way onto television. Our nation owes you a great deal of gratitude, Heene and Gosselin clans, for too many seem to have forgotten that our country was built on a burning desire to have one's own reality television show.
Our forefathers, in their infinite wisdom, carefully wrote out a Constitution that never once mentioned anything about limiting our access to reality television programming. Far be it from me to place words in the mouths of such venerated figures, but I know deep in my heart that Thomas Jefferson would own every season of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" on Blu-Ray - and Benjamin Franklin was rumored to have written a treatment that almost exactly paralleled the "balloon boy" saga.
As a strict constitutionalist, only the text that survives from the late 1700s guides my principles and decision-making. However, due to the inherent difficulties of writing with quills and the less-than-stellar preservation techniques of the day, some important guidelines never made it to the narrow scope of today's interpretationalist. I think somebody spilled some tea on the dang thing, too.
While not exactly ratified back in the day, the health care system in America was from our national inception always inextricably linked with cage fighting. James Madison was a huge MMA fan, and his influence among other members of the Constitutional Convention almost got the cage fighting/health care amendment added to our Constitution at the last second. Were it not for the pansies from Delaware and New Hampshire, our long national debate would have been over in the time it takes to apply a juji-gatame arm bar.
It may sound radical to some, but the most traditional and conservative way we can clear up this health care conundrum is to have the Heenes and Gosselins settle the debate in the octagon. Obviously, the Gosselins would be fighting on behalf of Obamacare - they got in-vitro done twice and accept more handouts than your average street beggar. The Heenes will fight for our current system of individual responsibility, as building a huge UFO balloon and being an overbearing jerkwad both take serious persistence.
Just like the current health care debate, this fighting solution would be confusing and emotionally draining. The Heenes are quiet and skinny, but years of living with a clearly psychotic patriarch has made them tougher than a two-dollar steak.
However, after a few rounds of toying with her human prey, Kate Gosselin would turn back into Queen of the Harpies and wear Falcon's innards like a hat.
We could keep arguing about these issues, or we could solve them in a way that would make our founding fathers proud. The fight would make great TV, too - though maybe not quite as good as "So You Think You Can Overthrow the Shackles of an Oppressive Foreign Government?" or "America's Next Top Powdered Wig Maker."
Tommy Maple is a graduate student in international communications. His column appears on Thursdays.
