Happy Monday!
We successfully refrained from completing any of our class assignments this weekend, despite there not being a Gators football game to distract us. We even turned a blind eye to all current events. So, because we lack any opinions (and an opinions editor), we present you with an I've-never-seen-this-published-on-a-Monday edition of…
Darts & Laurels
Don't get used to it.
In case of a zombie apocalypse, the Alligator is a great place to take shelter. There are enough rats hiding in the walls to sustain the staff, and no zombie knows the door code to get in the building. But we doubt many others have as safe a place to hide. That's why we were disappointed to hear that UF Web administrators took down a zombie attack plan PDF form created by e-Learning Support Services manager Doug Johnson. For not playing along in what was obviously a joke, we toss a DART at the "flesh-eating, life-impaired" e-Learning party poopers.
While on the subject of rotting flesh, a small town in South Dakota has been faced with cleaning up a 44-ton pile of liquefied meat. The owner of the factory ditched the bison meat when he moved his business out of the state. Locals were stuck cleaning up the maggot-infested muck. Even the mayor of Bridgewater, who served two tours of duty in Vietnam, said he could not remember ever smelling something that awful, according to an article by the Associated Press. For not only wasting the lives of thousands of bison but also making the lives of Bridgewater locals a stinking hell, we throw a learn-to-clean-up-after-yourself DART at Ilan Parente, a.k.a. maggot meat man.
In time for Halloween, construction workers have completed the new and improved campus bat house. The house can hold 400,000 bats, opposed to the 100,000 the old house was supposed to sustain. They even built a barn for baby bats and added a vacancy sign in both English and Spanish, in case Mexican free-tailed bats decided to stop by for a siesta. For batting a thousand on the new house, we give a these-digs-sound-better-than-our-freshman-dorms LAUREL at the bat house builders.
While many celebrities use their Twitter accounts to talk about absolutely nothing (we don't care how much Spencer loves your lasagna, Heidi), Drew Carey is using his to raise money to fight cancer. Carey has bid $25,000 for the @Drew username. The account's current owner, who has lymphoma, plans to donate all of the money raised during the auction to the Livestrong foundation.
Carey said he will increase his donation to $100,000 if he gets 100,000 followers by Nov. 9. For actually doing something useful with his Twitter account, we give a here's-hoping-75,000-more-followers-think-the-price-is-right LAUREL to Drew Carey.
On Wednesday, President Barack Obama signed an executive order banning government employees from texting while driving. We've all seen people swerving between lanes for the sake of 160 characters that could easily be said in less than 10 seconds in person. Eighteen states have banned texting while driving, and many more are considering similar laws.
For not relying on Darwin's Law to keep roads free of distracted "drexters," we give a how-can-anyone-drive-when-they're-not-looking-at-the-road LAUREL to President Obama.
Don't be haters! Go Gators!
