If the eyes are the window to the soul, then a bumper sticker is portal to the back of a moron's head.
I'm not referring to classic pieces of car flare, such as "Where's the beef?," "Drive it like you stole it" and the ever-popular "My kid beat up your honor student." Gems like these get straight to the point - if they have one. Asking tailgaters to locate their meat won't elicit a nasty response. They'll probably snort a chuckle and continue happily riding your ass while constantly re-reading your lame automobile decorations.
Recently, however, I've noticed the once-gleeful tradition of selecting the perfect bumper sticker has devolved into pulling punches at political opponents. Gator Nation, this is a disaster. Why are we wasting our cars' surface area arguing political agendas when we could be goading fellow travelers into mashing the pedal to the metal?
We have Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann on television, Rush Limbaugh and National Public Radio in traffic and our empty-headed neighbors and co-workers to fill every other gap in our days. There is no reason the exterior of our cars should argue our points to people we've never met. Why stir up trouble on the highway? Most of us have obviously forgotten the all-too-true warning sign donned by hundreds of 1991 Dodge Rams: "Keep honking, I'm reloading."
I work a part-time job where I see hundreds of bumper stickers daily. Sometimes I laugh, but mostly I shake my head in either disgust or confusion. Lately, I've been seeing hordes of shiny new anti-Barack Obama bumper stickers, which makes sense because he's working from the office that cannot escape criticism.
Some of my favorites are "So, how's that hope and change working out for you?," "I'll keep my guns, freedom and money … You can keep the 'change!'" and "Buck Ofama." (OK, that last one has been done before, but I saw one Chevy Equinox so enthusiastic it decided to "buck" the president twice).
On other vehicles, I see tailgates and bumpers wearing slightly older, faded bumper stickers. They say inane things like "No more Nazis - vote Democrat," or "dubya dubya dubya dot liar dot com." The surplus of NObama stickers seems to be a petty attempt at revenge on every motorist whose car spouted anti-George W. Bush jargon through the better part of last year.
The best anti-W. sticker uses the ex-president's middle initial to begin the phrase "Worst president ever." Cue Comic Book Guy from "The Simpsons." I imagine such a creation just about maxes out the intellectual capacity of someone who has never heard of Herbert Hoover, the "do-nothing" president who slid us into the Great Depression.
Bush is out of office. Get rid of your stupid, fruitless bumper sticker and go pray for the servicemen in your family.
Obama is trudging through a dead-weight legislative branch, but he still has three years to go. Scrape the childish stickers from your rear bumper because they will look like crap in 2012 no matter how his presidential term is remembered.
As for your cars, apologize for dressing them up in all things ridiculous. They probably appreciate your angry adhesives as much as your grandma's Pomeranian likes its Superman costume. If you insist on pimping your ride with rear-end stickiness, I suggest touting your kid's ability to wallop other 12-year-olds.
Adam Wynn is a journalism senior. His column appears as needed.
