Change is afoot in Gainesville right now. All it takes is one look at the Alligator parking lot full of cars crammed with clothes, kitchen utensils and random boxes to know that summer is coming to an end, and everyone is ready to begin anew in his or her freshly leased pads. But, before you get too excited (and crumple up this paper to use as packing material), we would like to present you with an are-there-really-only-two-weeks-until-fall edition of…
Despite the fact that Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity all managed to find something wrong with the fact that Bill Clinton saved Laura Ling and Euna Lee from 12 years of hard labor in North Korea, the Department of Darts & Laurels is going to go out on a limb and extend a don't-worry-every-sane-person-knows-this-is-a-good-thing LAUREL to former President Clinton for taking on the mission. Sometimes having dinner with our parents can be a daunting task of exchanging forced pleasantries, so it's hard to imagine having to wine and dine a notorious dictator while pretending to be into it. All we can say is: true American hero.
Speaking of true American heroes, apparently a G.I. Joe movie is coming out Friday. We have a hard time imagining to whom this movie is marketed (is it to kids too young to ever hear of G.I. Joe or to adults who shouldn't go see a movie that looks like it's for a 10-year-old? Who are the marketing wizards who came up with this one?) But Paramount Pictures has made it clear that the movie certainly isn't for critics. For trying to protect what it knows is going to be an awful movie by not releasing it for critical review, we would like to throw a couldn't-you-just-release-a-not-terrible-product DART at Paramount Pictures. Way to be a bunch of sissies. We're sure that Joe would disapprove.
Although it may seem like blasphemy, the Department of Darts & Laurels would like to extend a DART at UF for paying Urban Meyer $4 million per year to continue to coach UF football. At a time fraught with tuition increases and dropped programs, we are forced to question why a football coach is getting a raise. We understand that football brings a lot of money to the university, but wouldn't it still bring in money if Meyer were only making, say, $1 million per year? If Meyer loved UF as much as he claims, wouldn't it make sense to act in the best interest of its students and faculty? Not to mention that getting paid $1 million per year for a job that awesome wouldn't be so bad…
To address questions about the proposed health care reform bill making its way to the Senate, a number of town hall-style meetings have popped up across the country. But, instead of getting Americans' questions answered (as was the intent), the meetings have turned into a series of disasters. For squashing all meaningful debate, the Department of Darts & Laurels would like to throw a this-is-nearly-as-dumb-as-the-"birther"-movement DART at lobbyists who have infiltrated the meetings, and according to a leaked memo from the lobbyist-run group FreedomWorks (also known for their Tea Party protests), have been instructed to "artificially inflate their numbers," to "rattle the speakers" and to not "have an intelligent debate." When meetings such as these become co-opted by special interest groups and duly elected members of Congress are not allowed to speak, meaningful discourse is disrupted. In a country like the U.S., that is downright shameful.
For the students and residents of Gainesville who have cowered in terror over the recent string of armed robberies in the area: help is coming. Gainesville Police Department is saturating the areas where the crimes have occurred. For its efforts to protect the residents of Gainesville, the Department of Darts & Laurels would like to extend a we've-been-bashing-you-recently-but-this-is-starting-to-make-up-for-it LAUREL to the GPD and, more specifically, to police dog Rua, for tracking down a car thief and apprehending him.
That's all for now. Enjoy your two-week respite and see you in the fall.
