Although we currently lack an Opinions Editor, the Editorial Board is still chock-a-block with opinions. As we prepare to celebrate National Let's Light Shit On Fire Day, let us all remember to exercise caution when launching a Roman candle at the feet of our drunkest friend. We hear the emergency room waits on July 4 are more painful than the burns. Plus, no one likes losing digits. Without further adieu, the Editorial Board presents Darts & Laurels.
For duping the Egyptian government into paying a pretty penny for some pretend poultry, the Editorial Board flings its first DART of Summer B at Alexander Legault. The 59-year-old man admitted Wednesday to scamming the nation out of more than $7 million for an order of 5,000 metric tons of frozen chicken. That's more than 11 million pounds of chicken-sicles. How Costco-esque.
News out of Fort Myers, Fla., tells the story of a young girl believed to have come in contact with a rabid bat lying dead on a beach. For kissing and playing with the deceased animal, the Editorial Board launches a LAUREL at Bat Girl. The Board does not condone playing with dead animals, especially ones testing positive for rabies, however, we are eagerly waiting to read the love story destined for publication in the Weekly World News. It's about time Bat Boy scored himself a girlfriend. Hopefully he doesn't mind a little mouth foam.
For undressing on an airplane, causing a U.S. Airways plane flying from Charlotte, N.C., to Los Angeles to make an unexpected landing in Albuquerque, N.M., the Editorial Board issues a lame-attempt-at-joining-the-mile-high-club DART to Keith Wright, 50. After Wright was arrested and the plane prepared to depart from Albuquerque, flight attendants reminded the 138 inconvenienced passengers to keep their seat belts fastened… and their clothes on.
In Gainesville, the Department of Darts & Laurels awards a would-you-like-your-eggs-for-here-or-to-go? LAUREL to Alexis Dominguez, who broke into the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity house Thursday and made eggs and cheese. Dominguez, 46, entered the house by removing the air conditioner and crawling through the window. He said he committed the crime because he was hungry. He was arrested after he left the eggs on the burner too long and set off the fire alarm.
Doesn't sound over-easy to us.
As the King of Pop's death pushed even news from Iran out of the spotlight, another king passed away. King of infomercials Billy Mays passed away on Sunday morning. After his death, his son used Twitter to share memories and thoughts with his father's fans. And so in the deal of the century, the Department of Darts & Laurels presents two LAURELS for the price of one to Billy Mays for proving time after time his products were missing from our apartments and to Billy Mays III for working through his grief with his father's fans to remember the pitch king.
Tim Allen said in "Galaxy Quest" to "never give up, never surrender." As hard as it is to disagree with the Tool Man, sometimes you just have to throw in the towel. FSU is again appealing its forced vacation of wins by the NCAA for its academic cheating scandal, despite a more than 20-page shellacking in law-speak after its first appeal (Yes, we read through every page). For wasting its time with a second appeal and threatening the reputation of a university and a coach, who will be remembered fondly whether the wins stay or go, the Department of Darts & Laurels sends a DART to the school out west.
That's all for now. Have a Happy Independence Day!
