The Alligator Editorial Board
In case you missed the Michael Jackson memorial concert on, you know, every channel ever, the Department of Darts & Laurels would like to point out that it was a hell of a show.
Everyone from Brooke Shields to John Mayer to "random politician we had never heard of" showed up to pay their respects and relate how Jackson touched them (over the clothes only) during his mysterious and abbreviated life. Overall the service was appropriately at the nexus of "celebratory" and "respectful."
Oh, and then there was the Rev. Al Sharpton.
For talking about the deceased pop star like he was Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus all rolled into one, we would like to tactfully place a cork, or at least a claiming-Obama-got-elected-only-because-of-"Thriller"-takes-hyperbole-to-a-whole-new-level DART into the mouth of the Reverend in hopes that he will keep his patently overblown theories and hallucinations to his radio talk show (ironically titled "Keepin' it Real").
U.S. veteran Howard Monoian was a WWII hero in Sainte-Mère-Église, France where a plaque was erected in his honor. Too bad he spent the entire war behind the front line. Monoian, who frequently boasted of his bravery in combat, has been exposed as a fraud at the ripe old age of 84.
Military records obtained by the Boston Herald reveal that Monoian spent most of the war monitoring a supply dump. His biggest injury? A broken middle finger. In England. On standby. For undermining the bravery of the troops who actually parachuted into the midst a fierce battle, the Editorial Board would like to extend a we'll-show-you-a-middle-finger-or-six DART to the deceitful D-Dayer.
To complete the triumvirate of similarly-themed condemnations, the Editorial Board would like to send a why-are-you-destroying-the-credibility-of-our-college DART to Hailey Mac Arthur, the UF journalism student who blew up the AP wire with accounts of her plagiarism. Not only did Mac Arthur create a stigma against our beloved J-School (thanks, because as if finding internships wasn't hard enough already, now we come from 'that school'), she disappointed the peers and professors who previously held her in high esteem. And, not only did Mac Arthur foolishly disregard advice from professors (you know, about telling the truth and stuff), she disregarded common sense (stealing from The New York Times must have seemed like a great idea since no one ever reads that.)
At a time like this, it's important to commend good, solid journalism. For that, the Editorial Board would like to hand a congratulatory LAUREL to the staff of The Fine Print. Jessica Newman and Lydia Fiser, the publication's editors, recently received the award of "Best New Publication of the Year" from Campus Progress, the nationally recognized non-profit.
For us, the thought of Gator Growl does not conjure the best of memories. For listening to a student poll and selecting Dana Carvey to be in the 2009 performance, we would like to extend a tentative here's-to-hoping-this-will-be-'excellent!' LAUREL to the Gator Growl staff. Seriously guys, if this is as bad as the last two years, we might go into post-traumatic stress. Now if only we could get one of the bands that was slated to be at Waynestock, we might be in good shape.
Because people who pay more than a dollar for a serving of the most abundant resource on Earth might need a little bit more than common sense to send them in the right direction, the Department of Darts & Laurels would like to send a time-to-call-our-parents-and-tell-them-to-set-an-embargo-on-bottled-water-at-our-houses LAUREL to both the Government Accountability Office and the Environmental Working Group. Working in conjunction with each other, the two groups are pushing for Americans to make bottled water a "distant second choice" to filtered tap water. Apparently, the differences between the two are nill, despite previous misconceptions that Zephyrhills flows directly from Mt. Olympus into the bottle (passing under the feet of unicorns, of course).
That's all for this week. Stay safe and don't drink the Kool-Aid (if it's made with bottled water).
