Two months ago at a concert, a girl started grinding up against me. It's not often a lady grinds on me first, especially with her boyfriend fuming nearby. So naturally I took great pride in the feat.
I later found out the girl thought I was a homosexual.
This is a terrifying blow to my reproductive self-esteem. That girl didn't think I was creepy, or ugly, or mentally retarded - she thought I was gay. At least creepy, ugly, mentally retarded guys can still have sex with women. Just ask Bret Michaels.
But when women think you're gay, game over. Sure, they'll dance with you, touch you, ask your advice - but no sex. Their vaginas are as open as a Chik-Fil-A on a Sunday.
Lately, my romantic life has been flashing before my eyes. I feel like I'm Bruce Willis at the end of "The Sixth Sense," reevaluating all my previous flirtations with the dread of uncovering the conspiracy that's blinding me from my own homoerotic pheromones.
When I sensed interest, was I merely a prospective shopping partner? Did they simply ignore all the passes I made?
"You got me! I wasn't flirting. I'm just your friendly neighborhood homo, preparing girls for when actual straight guys hit on them. Now, where did you get that purse?"
When it comes to my sexuality, the record sets itself "straight." And by record, I mean the history tab on my Web browser. While a handful of those sites may have been hetero, I'm banking Freeones.com shall set me free.
And if I survived four years of high school drama club wearing "Rent" T-shirts and still came out the other side with a fondness for vaginas, my face belongs on a goddamn roll of paper towels.
I know I'm straight, so how come they don't? My speech pathologist sister says the sibilant "s" is barely noticeable. I don't use hair products. I generally abstain from making out with dudes in public.
Maybe my wit is cock-blocking me. Girls don't expect much cleverness from guys, so my approach might imply the wrong thing: "Who does he think he is, Oscar Wilde? Keep this one away from my little brother."
Still, I'm not dumbing myself down. You have to be true to yourself and tell the rest to take it or leave it.
I just hope "she" takes it and "he" leaves it.
