With King James left watching from his medical bed and Superman laughing all the way to the STAPLES Center, the Department of Darts & Laurels offers Gainesville's faux Orlando Magic fans a hearty congratulations on reaching the NBA Finals.
Hell, who would have "thunk" a team constructed around a SpongeBob SquarePants-loving 23-year-old and coached by a Men's Wearhouse-rocking hedgehog could reach the summit of the esteemed Eastern Conference?
Before we head to Gainesville's finest drinking establishment, otherwise known as Gator City (our sincerest apologies go out to Munigan's) for Game 1 of the Finals, the Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents this week's J.J.-Redick's-back-should-be-the-next-Proactiv-spokesman edition of Darts & Laurels.
While the state of Tennessee has been known to house a world of oddities (Lane Kiffin, anyone?), the latest resident to make headlines surprisingly does not hail from Knoxville. For wearing nothing more than a thong while robbing a house, the Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a leave-the-panties-to-the-ladies DART at the whale-tailed wonder. We do not harbor any ill-will against revealing underwear and neither does Tim Tebow (check out the article on Page 10), but something tells us a mask and black clothing works better as criminal attire.
With countless dogs making headlines for all the wrong reasons, one canine stands out from all the rest for doing a good deed. The Department of Darts & Laurels awards a you-should-hire-Scott-Boras-as-your-agent-when-Hollywood-starts-calling LAUREL to Blewett the black Labrador retriever for rescuing Pepper, an old arthritic dog who had gone missing. Blewett knows a thing or two about being saved by the good graces of others as he relied on food from travelers when he found himself homeless during a rough patch last March.
No word on whether the star of "Air Bud" is willing to undergo a dye job for the movie.
When a Pittsburgh Pirates' minor league baseball team decided to work President Barack Obama into a fan giveaway, little did they realize the federal government would come into play. For confiscating more than 1,000 bobbleheads featuring the president in his high school basketball uniform, the Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a maybe-the-higher-ups-voted-for-the-other-guy DART at the U.S. Customs based in Los Angeles. Maybe we've watched the movie "Traffic" a few too many times, but we suggest they boil down the bobbleheads to see if the West Virginia Power were actually smuggling coke.
Word out of Nebraska reveals news of a 6-year-old boy channeling his inner Jeff Gordon. The Department of Darts & Laurels presents a you-should-totally-be-given-a-driver's-license-for-your-efforts LAUREL to Tustin Mains for having the wherewithal to drive the family truck to safety after his dad passed out from a low blood sugar level. Score an assist to a police officer who helped stop the vehicle, but praise is in order any time a kindergartner can handle a Chevy Avalanche without causing little more than minor damage.
The year 2009 has not been kind to peacocks living in Makaha, Hawaii, as a heinous trifecta of poison, bullets and baseball bats has claimed the lives of 11 of their brethren. For using her Louisville Slugger to put "Pauly" in an early grave, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches an at-least-you-weren't-the-one-to-use-the-gun DART at Sandra Maloney. Maybe Maloney is more of a cat person, but using her wood at the local batting cage would've been a much better idea.
Sure riding roller coasters has been a summer vacation staple ever since Coney Island's heyday, but now you can experience Six Gs of fun all while collecting a paycheck. The Department of Darts & Laurels extends an if-we-win-we're-quitting-our-day-jobs LAUREL to the Orlando/Orange County Convention & Visitors Bureau for sponsoring a contest where the winner gets a fat 25k to ride roller coasters this fall. Don't bother applying unless you've got a kickin' smile and a willingness to spend 67 days in Orlando (yuck).
That's all for this week. Go Lakers…err Gators!
