After a brief hiatus highlighted by one not-so-esteemed staffer unsuccessfully teaching British men how to play beer pong in Orlando, we officially declare the Department of Darts & Laurels back and better than ever.
Hey la, hey la, the 'Gator's back!
Not only did we once break the record on that rather addicting basketball game at Shaboom Shabooms, home of the LeBomb James, we totally have a backup career plan for when we find ourselves homeless with only our journalism degrees to provide us shelter: plumbers.
Before we head back to our favorite indoor basketball court and channel our inner LeBron (sorry, Kobe), the Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents this week's we-even-drink-the-same-flavor-of-Vitamin-Water-as-King-James edition of Darts & Laurels.
While marital infidelity certainly runs rampant across America, there must be a statute of limitations restricting 78-year-old women from going ape-shit on their diaper-donning spouses. For beating the living crap out of her 85-year-old husband for allegedly cheating on her 35 years ago, the Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a let's-just-say-bowls,-pipes-and-carpet-sweepers-came-into-play DART at the sinister septuagenarian. The damage? The laundry list of ailments included broken ribs, pelvis and a wrist.
Sadly, this was not a WWE "Anything Goes" match.
With food stamps limiting consumers to a very strict selection of grocery store items (trust us), a bit of creative genius from one Pennsylvania man led to some pretty sweet results. The Department of Darts & Laurels awards a we-sure-could-use-some-fake-money-down-here-in-Gainesville LAUREL to the confectionery conman for using a fake $20 coin to score some ice cream. A bogus $20 coin could feed a family of four at Leo's - or one hungry Alligator staffer.
Did someone say rolls?
When college freshmen leave home for the first time, there is a moment where they come to the realization they no longer have to keep their bedrooms neat and tidy. For calling the cops on his adult son because he refused to clean his room (and for tossing a plate at him), the Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a parents-just-don't-understand DART at Andrew Mizsak. Take this as a warning, faithful Darts & Laurels reader - avoid moving back in with your parents after you graduate at all costs.
There goes the neighborhood.
Word out of North Carolina reveals news of an aspiring crook who turned to a piece of fruit to help him in his devious endeavors. The Department of Darts & Laurels presents a do-tell-us-what-beats-an-edible-weapon LAUREL to John Szwalla for attempting to rob a store with nothing more than a banana. Hell, we've heard of criminals holding up stores with nothing more than their fingers pretending to be a gun, but a banana is just so much more imposing.
Trust us when we say plantains work great, too.
What could've been the greatest destination in China since the creation of the Great Wall, a still-under-construction sex amusement park will never host a single guest thanks to typical Chinese bureaucracy. For demolishing what would've proved to be a mecca for horny Asian couples and public masturbation, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a we-couldn't-wait-for-the-sex-technique-workshops DART at the Chinese government. Where else will the Chinese people be able to go to see giant-sized reproductions of male and female anatomy?
Sure Rod Blagojevich will undoubtedly go down in infamy as one of the most despicable politicians in American history, but there is no denying the man has one helluva head of hair. The Department of Darts & Laurels extends a volumizing-for-really-big-hair LAUREL to "Blago" shampoo for, well, giving us yet another excuse to write about our favorite former governor from the great state of Illinois. The product's slogan? "It's Bleep'n Golden!"
That's all for this week. See you on the flip-side.
