Well, America sure has been great for these past two centuries.
I mean, we did some pretty cool stuff.
We invented Coca-Cola. We pioneered the reality show.
Hell, we've unleashed the dulcet tones of The Backstreet Boys into the world. Yeah, it was a great country for a while, but unfortunately, it looks like it's time to go. Pack your bags, folks, and I'll see all of you in Turkey.
Why are things as we know them coming to an end? Why is it time for America to - as the saying goes - pack it in? Gay marriage, of course!
Yes, now that gay marriage has been legalized in Vermont and Iowa (in about a one-week period) the total number of states permitting same-sex marriages is up to four. And, according to some, our great democracy is about to plunge into a bedlam unequalled since Sodom.
I know it may sound hard to believe and maybe even painfully idiotic and closed-minded, but, rest assured - now that four states have legalized same-sex marriage, it's only a matter of time until people are legally allowed to marry animals! Sounds bad, huh? Well just wait until the next roll down the "slippery slope." Soon, you're going to see men marrying toasters and women marrying rocking chairs.
I think it should be obvious to everyone that if two people of the same gender who love each other are allowed to spend their lives together and call it "marriage" and receive the same benefits and rights to happiness and - in some cases - misery as a heterosexual couple, then clearly the End of Days is upon us.
Yes, the Devil has his hooks in America, but good. Gay marriage? Marriage is between a man and a woman! Any deviation from that and you'd better put on your galoshes, because as some French kings might say, "After gay marriage, the deluge!"
All right, as fun as it was to step temporarily into the body of an arch-conservative, I'm going to have to step right back out again for reasons of sanity and decency.
I have to say, I'm very proud of Vermont and Iowa.
These states mark the first legalizations of same-sex marriage through legislative action instead of court order, and this bodes very well for gays, lesbians and - well - anyone else who thinks it's only right and fair that every person be treated equally in the eyes of the law.
I know numerous people who are opposed to gay marriage, and I've never quite been able to understand why. Essentially, I hear either that "marriage is between a man and a woman" or else that "God says it's bad." Neither of these arguments strike a chord with me.
Marriage is a word. When we're younger we learn it's what two people do when they love each other. Is it so intolerable for those two people to have the same parts?
The God argument annoys me even more. God is Love, right? You'd think he would be a fan of this idea.
And that bit where the Bible says it's bad? The Bible also says we should stone adulterers and use the womenfolk of our enemies as sex slaves, but we don't do that.
Good work, Vermont and Iowa. Way to be trend-setters. Well, I'm not certain about what happened in Guantanamo Bay, but at least I hope we don't.
Eric Chianese is an English junior. His column appears weekly.
