After getting up close and personal with chilly weather more akin to Northern New Jersey, the Department of Darts & Laurels assures you sunshine and warmth is here to stay. While North Central Florida's innumerable outdoor activities can be paired better with grain alcohol than late-night falafel and that dude who used to write "White Dade," we urge you to proceed with caution.
There's no denying the allure of locking lips with a handle of Sailor Jerry rum before hitting up the skateboard park, but do you really want to end up rocking a hot pink cast on your right arm for the next 30 days?
Before we head up the road to Ginnie Springs and work on the latest in cooler floating techniques, we proudly present you this week's trust-us-when-we-say-never-try-to-bench-press-250-pounds-with-a-broken-wrist edition of Darts & Laurels.
Typically when the words "sports car," "tight corner" and "going too fast" are paired in the same sentence, the results tend to conjure imagery nothing short of horrific. For causing $125,000 in damage to her boss's Ferrari after flipping the vehicle, the Department of Darts and Laurels chucks a why-couldn't-you-just-have-had-your-picture-taken-with-the-car? DART at one soon-to-be unemployed California woman. To put that in perspective, we'd have to work somewhere in the neighborhood of 8,800 days just to pay off the repairs.
Word out of Los Angeles reveals news of a woman who seemingly struck gold but played the role of good Samaritan. The Department of Darts & Laurels awards a did-you-at-least-think-about-how-many-trips-to-In-N-Out-Burger-you-could-have-made? LAUREL to Talon Curtis for returning a $357,959 cashier's check to its rightful owner. While we don't condone stealing, we can't say for sure if we'd do the same thing.
Last Saturday saw a worldwide pillow fight ranging from locales like Wall Street to downtown Chicago - minus the state of Michigan. For breaking up what could have been the most epic battle between individuals clad with pillows ever, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a don't-you-guys-have-more-serious-things-to-worry-about-than-a-bunch-of-feathers? DART at the Detroit Police Department. Maybe it's just us, but we're pretty sure Detroit doesn't need the negative press considering that little ol' problem called the automotive industry.
When we think of a church service, we tend to visualize overcrowded pews stuffed to the gills with Holy-Rollers all decked out in their Sunday's best - not bar stools and rock 'n' roll. The Department of Darts & Laurels extends a we-hear-bourbon-and-ginger-goes-great-with-the-Book-of-Daniel LAUREL to The River Church for planning to hold Easter Sunday services at a Little Rock bar. Just a friendly word of advice for those of you planning to make the trip up to Arkansas; there is a no-suit-allowed policy being strictly enforced at the door.
Somewhere Ari Gold is questioning a wardrobe change.
With April Fool's Day comes office hijinx ranging from prank phone calls to wrapping computer chairs in aluminum foil - not mistakes misleading applicants about their future. For incorrectly informing rejected applicants that they had been accepted for graduate school on April Fool's Day, the Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a oh-we're-so-sure-it-was-really-"technical"-error-that-caused-the-problem DART at the New York University admissions office. Hell, if the office really wanted to get some laughs, they should have just filled an unpopular co-worker's cubicle to the brim with packing peanuts.
While a career in law enforcement means putting one's life at risk during each shift, one of the many rewards include the chance to save a man's life. The Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents a you-are-a-true-American-hero-even-if-you-were just-doing-your-job LAUREL to Officer Mark Krutell for pulling a man out of a burning vehicle mere seconds before it exploded. During a time in which news headlines overflow with negativity, we can take solace in the fact that heartwarming stories transcend the Lifetime Channel.
That's it for the week. Play safe.
