The people who have to clean up our worldwide financial mess are meeting in London this week to talk. The G20 summit brings together bankers and leaders from across the globe, and this year they need to piece together what is left of the world economy. Most expect President Obama to do a lot of listening and apologizing.
Obama will have to convince the rest of the big countries to kick in billions of their own stimulus dollars for our bank bailouts to work effectively.
The money we spend here will undoubtedly leave our borders and help other economies, and our banks are too diverse to really be called a property of any one nation.
Thankfully, I have a plan.
News reports this week have stated that Obama plans to bring an entourage of more than 500 people to London with him to "handle any crisis, anywhere, any time."
Vince Offer simply has to be among the chosen (quite a) few who will make this beggars trip to Britain. Many of you may know Vince as the "ShamWow guy" or the "SlapChop guy." That a single man can truly captivate the hearts and wallets of millions of Americans is only the first sign he should be one of our chief negotiators at the G20.
Vince cares deeply about the quality of life in America. Using the metaphor of canned tuna, the most banal of foods, Vince and his SlapChop force each of us to recognize that we are ultimately responsible for our own lot in life.
Though terribly unappetizing, a pile of tuna chopped up with radishes and carrots perfectly represents the potential excitement and vivacity of a life fulfilled.
Onions, much like huge financial meltdowns, needn't be a reason to worry with Vince involved in our highest echelons of government.
Displaying an intimate knowledge of psychological practices and the art of manual food processing, Vince knows how we all hurt and only wants to help. As the great man states with sagacity, life is hard enough as it is.
Vince is an invaluable asset to the Obama negotiation team. Already well versed in globalized trade intricacies through his involvement in the German towel export structure, Vince also knows how to close the deal.
How many ShamWows would it take to soak up all the toxic assets in our global economy right now - three, maybe four?
Sure, Vince isn't perfect; he was arrested last month in Miami for punching a prostitute. Turns out, though, the fair lady was biting his tongue and warranted such a thrashing for refusing to release from her clenched teeth what may one day be considered a national treasure.
Who among us can't relate to such a predicament?
President Obama, Vince deserves a shot at these negotiations. After he knocks the socks off these G20 suckers, Vince also has a brilliant solution for fixing our health care reform - one chop at a time.
Tommy Maple is an international communications graduate student. His column appears on Tuesdays.
