Get out the polka-dot bikinis and bottles of grain alcohol - The Department of Darts & Laurels officially declares Spring Break 2009 open for business.
From taking home the BCS Championship during the first week of school to Girl Talk's epic perfomance at The Venue on Wednesday, it's been one heckuva first half of the semester. Sure we'll miss Bernie, the creatures that lurk on Turlington Plaza and of course Krishna lunch, but trust us when we say March 16 will rear its ugly head far too soon.
Before we print out our boarding passes and pack our "Bananas in Pajamas" suitcases (adorable, we swear), the Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents this week's we-wonder-if-an-Alligator-paycheck-can-buy-a-cup-of-Starbucks-in-Los-Angeles edition of Darts & Laurels.
Crashing a car can be an extremely stressful ordeal, but when houses are involved, you've just opened up a whole new can of worms. The Department of Darts & Laurels launches a why-are-you-driving-around-with-seven-large-pieces-of-crack DART at Eric Wade for causing $5,000 worth of damage by driving his vehicle into a Gainesville home. To make things even worse for Wade, he fled the scene to avoid being arrested - only to be caught by police mere blocks later.
With budget cuts on the horizon at UF, one group of students staring down the elimination of their program is taking a stand. For holding a vigil protesting the proposed cut of the undergraduate education program at UF, the Department of Darts & Laurels extends a way-to-stand-up-for-your-field-of-study LAUREL to students from UF's College of Education. While budget cuts are not going away anytime soon, there are better ways to remedy the situation than by cutting an entire curriculum.
While a rumbling in the tummy can cause people to do crazy things, one woman from Fort Pierce, Fla., set a new standard for ridiculousness. The Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a why-the-hell-didn't-you-just-go-to-Checkers? DART at Latreasa Goodman for calling 911 three times after learning McDonald's ran out of her beloved chicken nuggets. When hunger pains hit us, you better get out of our way, but we certainly aren't going to call GPD if Gyros Plus just so happened to run out of hummus (oh no).
News from the world of sports often informs us of the latest slugger suspected of steroid use or a player arrested for off-the-field troubles - unless you're the Orlando Magic. For building a new playground for the youth of Orlando to enjoy, the Department of Darts & Laurels presents the Orlando Magic basketball team a you-guys-are-studs-on-and-off-the-court LAUREL. While the players taking one day out of their schedules to lend a helping hand isn't too much to ask, we're sure more than one child walked away from meeting Dwight Howard grinning ear to ear.
Working as a mascot is nothing short of back-breaking work - especially when dealing with unruly customers. The Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a take-it-easy-on-the-Red-Bull-big-guy DART at Trahan Pires for ripping off the head of the Chuck E. Cheese mascot after thinking the giant rat had pinned his son against a video game console. For his absurd reaction, Pires was fined $500 - more than enough to have covered a new Xbox360 and ROCKSTAR for his son who was at the restaurant celebrating his birthday.
Maybe it's just us, but we can never understand the mystery voice behind the intercom at drive-through restaurants. For manipulating the frequency at a Taco Bell squawk box and greeting customers with vulgar messages, the Department of Darts & Laurels laughs as we give two Missouri teens a mad-props-for-pranking-unsuspecting-fast-food-fans-as-they-attempt-to-get-their-grub-on LAUREL. We can only imagine the look on the faces of Taco Bell employees as two kids sat in the parking lot transmitting unsavory one-liners over the intercom.
"Hey slim, do you really need five gorditas?"
That's all for this week. Have a safe Spring Break!
