After a week of weather more akin to the wondrous landscapes of New Jersey, we can only pray for warmth to retire our winter wardrobe once and for all. With temperatures dipping into the teens, the Department of Darts & Laurels dusted off our cat mittens (tail included) and discovered a newfound love for down comforters (uh-maze-ing).
While we crank up our space heaters and sip on some cocoa, we'll bring you this week's if-it's-so-cold-why-won't-it-snow-already edition of Darts & Laurels.
Reports out of Kentucky reveal that the 1.3 million people left without power after an ice storm may have received tainted food kits from, gasp, FEMA. Specifically, the now-recalled packages included containers of peanut butter which potentially contain salmonella. The Department of Darts & Laurels groans as we launch an excuse-us-while-we-feign-surprise DART at FEMA for its dimwitted emergency meal mishap. With the government organization still catching flack for botching recovery efforts along the Gulf Coast, we'd think it would have proceeded with a bit more caution.
As students in cafeterias statewide continue to devour sugar-laden sweets, one man has emerged with a plan to clean up their diets. Under the "Farm to School" program, school districts will have the opportunity to incorporate locally grown produce onto their current lunch menus. For helping farmers and downsizing waistlines, the Department of Darts & Laurels proudly extends a say-goodbye-to-cookies-and-chips LAUREL to Florida agricultural commissioner Charles Bronson. And to think, we only thought he made action movies.
For years the infield at the Preakness was a mecca for alcohol-fueled debauchery as "horse racing fans" descended upon the track armed to the teeth with booze. Word out of Baltimore informs us that bringing carry-in drinks to the event has now been replaced with a concert and volleyball tournament. The Department of Darts & Laurels chucks a think-of-the-local-liquor-stores DART at Pimlico Race Course for ruining the time-tested tradition of binge drinking at its finest. We'd hardly be shocked to see Facebook groups spring up over the next few days calling to eliminate the race as the second leg of the Triple Crown.
After paying his dues as a practice player and team manager, a Maine student with autism was afforded the opportunity to suit up for a recent game. In the starting lineup on "Senior Night," the young man made his presence known with hard-nosed defense, even scoring a bucket at the buzzer in the team's winning effort. For his stellar performance on the hardwood, the Department of Darts & Laurels smiles as we present a you-truly-are-an-inspiration-to-us-all LAUREL to Patrick Thibodeau. What makes the story even more compelling is the fact that his father, who recently suffered a stroke, had to beg, borrow and deal his way out of the hospital just to see his son play.
For many soon-to-be driving teens, the biggest fear about getting their license stems from ensuring they can properly parallel park their car. But for a 68-year-old woman out of South Korea, the written test continues to throw her for a loop - 771 attempts and counting. The Department of Darts & Laurels can't help but laugh as we give a why-don't-you-try-writing-the-answers-on-your-hand DART to "Cha" for her utter ineptitude with identifying street signs. Even if she does pass, we can't say we'd be too thrilled to share the road with her.
Even though Arizona faced Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl, there was no love lost between one player and fans of the rival team. Dining with his wife and children in Tampa before the game, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner covertly paid the check for a group of Steelers faithful at the restaurant. For picking up the tab for 20 "Iron City" diners, the Department of Darts and Laurels passes a we-were-rooting-for-your-dad LAUREL to the Warner family. Even after achieving stardom and collecting a hefty paychek, Warner continually sets an exemplary example to be modeled by all professional athletes.
That's all for this week. Try to stay warm.
