After a week highlighted by a confession from baseball's biggest star, we can only pray this weekend's unofficial start to the sport's season brings hope for renewal. While A-Rod may have given into the urge to use steroids, the Department of Darts & Laurels proudly admits we haven't succumbed to the temptation of "artificially" bringing you the best college paper possible.
Unless of course, you consider the massive of amounts of coffee constantly being consumed.
As we chow down on fistfuls of Valentine's Day candy for fuel (coffee's not ready yet), we proudly present you this week's performance-enhancing-drug-free edition of Darts & Laurels.
Generations of wanna-be hip moms and dads have turned to alcohol to become buddies with their teenage kids. While the occasional beer or two is no big deal, hooking your child up with a keg scores a big fat "F" in Parenting 101. For buying excessive amounts of contraband for their children, the Department of Darts & Laurels scowls at "cool parents" with a stop-trying-to-use-booze-to-get-laid-by-your-child's-friend DART. If you want to make friends, try Craigslist.
So much of America's success as a country can be traced back to the work of our 16th president. From his heroic efforts in emancipating the slaves to fighting for national unity, former President Abraham Lincoln set a high standard for every future president to follow. In memory of what would have been his 200th birthday, the Department of Darts & Laurels is proud to award a you-paved-the-way-for-so-many-in-America LAUREL to former President Lincoln. If President Barack Obama is in awe of someone, they must be pretty freaking special.
Word out of South Carolina reveals that the Michael Phelps bong debacle won't be put to rest anytime soon. According to the Washington Post, Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott rounded up eight usual suspects last Saturday with a connection to the Phelps photo hoping to dig up new dirt. For his obsession with wrongfully bringing down an American icon, the Department of Darts & Laurels launches a stop-trying-to-get-your-15-minutes-of-fame DART at the Sheriff Leon Lott. We might be going out on a limb here, but we're sure there are some "real" crimes worth your attention.
After a week of negative publicity from the media, Eastside High School found redemption hiding in the kitchen. The school's Institute of Culinary Arts stole the show at the Florida Prostart Invitational by securing a state championship and $300,000 in scholarship money. The Department of Darts & Laurels hungrily presents a spicy-shrimp-and-pomegranate-lemon-cake-sound-delicious LAUREL to the Eastside Institute of Culinary Arts for their killer cooking. Consider this an open invitation to come into the newsroom and dazzle us with a delicious dinner.
Apparently no one wants to be the next secretary of commerce after Thursday's announcement. A little over a week after accepting President Obama's nomination to join the cabinet, Sen. Judd Gregg decided to join Gov. Bill Richardson's thanks, but no thanks club. The Department of Darts & Laurels chucks an admit-you-quit-because-you-lost-control-of-the-stimulus DART at Sen. Judd Gregg for withdrawing his nomination due to the "stimulus bill." Step aside Sen. John Kerry, there's a new flip-flopper in town.
Blessed with the dashing good looks of Karl Childers and the voice of William Hung, one Pensacola crooner is taking the rock scene by storm. From singing in the clouds to the montages of beautiful women throughout his impressive music videos, this guy is one heck of a mack daddy. For his captivating lyrics and incredible range, the Department of Darts & Laurels can't help but laugh as we extend a you're-the-next-Rick-Astley LAUREL to Mark Gormley - a soon-to-be viral video sensation.
You just got Gormed!
That's all for this week. Only three more until spring break!
