Please excuse the Department of Darts & Laurels if we appear a bit woozy as we attempt to recover from our oh-my-god-our-heads-are-killing-us Student Government elections hangover.
From co-sponsoring last week's debate series to providing behind-the-scenes SG pre-party coverage on Twitter, it's been one heck of a journey tracking UF's battle among political heavyweights. Sure we'll miss those laugh-a-minute YouTube offerings from the Orange & Blue Party, but can you honestly stomach any more video montages featuring the likes of Jordan Johnson crawling across your computer screen?
As we peel off our Unite Party stickers (riiiiiight) and bid farewell to Progress banners of Ben Dictor rubbing elbows with Lil Wayne, the Department of Darts & Laurels proudly presents this week's oh-thank-heaven-SG-elections-are-no-more edition of Darts & Laurels.
For one young woman from Indiana, drenching her lice-ridden hair in gasoline seemed like a surefire solution to eliminate her excessive itching. The Department of Darts & Laurels chucks an it's-flammable-for-Christ's-sake DART at Jessica Brooks for burning more than half her body after her hair caught on fire. Sure we've heard of some truly absurd natural remedies for curing lice, but this one just seems to scream Scientology.
Word out of Washington informs us of ambitious initiatives in the healthcare sector set to take shape at the hands of the federal budget. For his unequivocal willingness to overhaul health care and bring assistance to millions of uninsured Americans, the Department of Darts & Laurels graciously extends a change-we-can-believe-in LAUREL to President Barack Obama. So many presidents pepper their stump speeches with unfulfilled promises, but finally we have one who has seemingly bucked the trend.
With today marking the final edition of one of Denver's leading newspapers, the city is in a state of mourning as it prepares to say goodbye to a dear friend. The Department of Darts & Laurels launches a the-country-just-got-a-little-bit-stupider DART at the journalism industry for failing to prevent the closure of the Rocky Mountain News just months before the paper's 150th anniversary. In such perilous economic times, dare we ask what paper could be next on the ol' chopping block?
By passing one of the hot-ticket ballot referenda in the SG election, tobacco products may no longer have a lawful place on the UF campus. For taking a definitive stance against the leading cause of avoidable deaths, the Department of Darts & Laurels presents a there's-nothing-sexy-about-yellow-teeth LAUREL to the UF Student Body. Clearly if Tim Tebow proudly boasts about being tobacco-free, The Gator Nation will quickly follow suit.
For the Republican Party's alleged "rising star," a gross misstep in his speech Tuesday night has the citizens of Washington state reeling. The Department of Darts & Laurels tosses a have-you-ever-heard-of-Mount-St.-Helens? DART at Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal for questioning why "something called volcano monitoring" was included in the economic stimulus package. Come on, is that really your best shot at condemning the Obama administration for allocating controversial funds?
A casual afternoon strolling the Port Charlotte mall quickly turned into an episode of "Jackass" as one youngster decided to strip naked and streak from the movie theater to food court much to the chagrin of conservative moms everywhere. For filming the event and securing a getaway car to escape to safety, the Department of Darts & Laurels laughs as we give a we-only-wish-we-could-have-seen-the-looks-of-bewilderment-on-everyone's-faces LAUREL to Brandon Krueger. Too bad he didn't have the self-restraint to refrain from posting the film on his MySpace page - shockingly, even security guards know how to use the Internet.
That's all for this week. Have a great weekend!
